Surviving adultery

[Melani23]

Marriage: "My husband & I have committed adultery"

Dear Counselor:

My husband and I are trying to make our marriage work, despite our individual instances of adultery (and obvious consequences thereof). Because my husband transferred to another state (at my request) in February, and I still have not joined him, he feels frustrated at my hesitation, and told me he thinks he is falling out of love with me because of all the disrespectful and selfish things I have done. I need to make sure my marriage survives!!! I want to be with my husband!

We try to be intimate, but because of the sexual nature of my affair, I find myself frigid with my husband. He visits me two or three times a month, and we are working towards my moving back with him in August. I have issues with trust , honesty , the ability to heal and forgive without holding grudges and being able to start again from here.

My husband has cut himself off from his girlfriend, but I still have contact with my boyfriend and cannot seem to let go of this man. It's like I'm in love with them both. I am afraid that my husband will leave me and that it will be my fault and that I will not have a chance to fix my family and raise my daughter right.

Sometimes I just want to die and get this over with, and then a part of me says that I've always been a fighter and God wants me to see this through and get my family back together again.
Please give me some advise on how to handle this difficult situation.

Cathy

Dear Cathy:

Thank you for your email and request for help regarding your marriage problems. I am encouraged to see that you want your marriage to survive. Starting with the decision to commit to and work on your marriage is one of the first steps in restoration. Of course, it goes without saying that committing yourself to the Lord and trusting Him to take you through the healing process is the place where you will find the strength and perseverance to work on your marriage. Resolve to surrender your will to Jesus and obey Him from this day forward.

In doing that, you will need to cut off your relationship with this other man. There is no way your marriage has a chance to survive when there is a 3rd party involved. There is no way you can obey the Lord if you continue your affair. You have to face the loss now. If you put it off it will be harder if not impossible to repair your marriage in the days ahead. Your marriage has been fractured by you and your husband.

Begin immediately to get Christian counseling. Please contact AACC for a referral to a counseling professional in your area. You can get individual counseling for your frigidity and fears right now before moving back. Then get a referral for a marriage counselor when you move back with your husband. Your daughter needs both of you and needs you to have a stable, growing marriage. Plan to go to a marriage retreat together like PREP's Fighting for Your Marriage. Set up an appointment to talk and pray with a pastor.

There are a lot of trust issues that need to be resolved. I want to encourage you to look on our resources page in our web site: www.hoyweb.com for a number of books which can give you guidance. The first is Torn Asunder: Recovering from Extramarital Affairs by Dave Carder (you can order it right now). It is all about the healing that needs to occur when couples commit adultery. Another is A Christian Guide to Fighting for Your Marriage by Scott Stanley, Howard Markman, Susan Blumberg, Dean Edell. It will give you many biblical insights and practical tools to help you start over in your marriage. The Gift of Sex: A Christian Guide to Sexual Fulfillment by Clifford and Joyce Penner can help you with your sexual problems.

[Melani23]

How far is too far? Is there ever a point of it being "too late" to fix a marriage?

[Nikkol]

melani23 said:

How far is too far? Is there ever a point of it being "too late" to fix a marriage?

If this is a marriage between two Christians, especially, I don't believe that it is ever "too late".... as many times as we've committed adultery on God and yet he still loves us and takes us back. this does not exclude those who are unsaved or married to someone who is unsaved For some they may choose to separate because this is seen as "the worse" of which they are unable to handle. But with time, I believe that God can heal any wounds that were developed and that reconciliation can occur.

Of course depending on one's view of divorce/remarriage, that for some "helps" them to make their final decision on if it's even worth it or not.

[Jasmine]

It's never too late for christians.

It does take time to heal from a wounded heart, and God can do it if the two individuals want it. It takes time to regain trust. Even if the love is there, the lack of trust and wounded heart overshadows the love the the individuals have for each other.

[MsKayLander]

I don't think it's ever too late for anyone... not just Christians...it has to do with if you are willing to forgive...

[vindicatednli]

just because both peope are Christians doesn't mean they should be married in the first place. God doesn't MAKE us get married and He doesn't MAKE us stay married. If God didn't put the two of you together is He obligated to keep you together? I hate to hear people talk about "no matter how many times". Everytime a persons goes out on the marriage and comes back to bed with you they are putting you at risk, your very life. You don't know what the nasty thang is bringing home to you!
Forgiveness doesn't mean STAYand keep taking abuse. It doesn't mean to be a rug or a jellyback with no boundaries. It simply means to RELEASE the person and by so doing, really setting YOURSELF FREE from the bondage of holding unforgiveness in your heart.

[NLI]

It may be too late for my marriage but IT'S NEVER TOO LATE FOR ME.

[livinganewlife]

NLI said:

It may be too late for my marriage but IT'S NEVER TOO LATE FOR ME.

Bless you sister I am praying that God sustains you and strengthen you through this trial.

[keita]

NLI said:

It may be too late for my marriage but IT'S NEVER TOO LATE FOR ME.

HALLELUJAH!!!

AMEN and AMEN!