Post by ybrown on Dec 16, 2005 8:58:31 GMT -5
I belong to one of THE greatest boards on the web for Christian marriages and I wanted to share a post that a married brother in Christ posted. It blessed a lot of us and I thought it might bless someone here.
ybrown
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What happens when there are unmet sexual and emotional needs in marriage and how do we break out of the cycle once we’re in it?
Why sex is half the answer.
Think about it, men are quite simple creatures really. We are capable of being highly intelligent sure, but we’re nearly all burdened with this basic, regular, driving, animalistic, thought-time-energy consuming desire to have sex! We think about it every 7 seconds for goodness sake! And that’s God’s design, not a product of the fall. But why are we made this way - and then put together with a woman, a creature so intricate and complexly designed that they don’t even understand themselves or their own needs fully! How on earth was it a good idea to put a man, with his basic, constant sexual urges and needs together with a woman and her myriad of complex emotional, physical and spiritual needs!? Was there a mistake in the matching department, were we really supposed to live in same sex communes and come together occasionally for giant orgies?
Why did God put man and woman together, for life!
And why, when he knew full well that there would be a potentially constant conflict of needs, did he make sex a priority, and make it a sin to withhold sex?
As if to prove the madness of marriage, we all know how easy it is to slip into a cycle of withheld needs, it starts something like this,
The husband thought he was going to get lucky last night and got his hopes up, but his wife ended up being too tired and just wants to sleep when they get to bed because it took them longer to get rid of their guests than they thought and he left her to finish the washing up. Next morning husband wakes up grumpy and disappointed, and stomps around the house under a storm cloud. But when wife asks what’s the matter? Pride won’t let him admit that he’s disappointed because they didn’t have sex, so he mutters ‘nuffing’ and stomps off to work, not making his wife her usual cup of coffee. Wife is a bit confused and hurt because mornings are important to her and her husband has made her feel like something is her fault. But then anger turns to resentment as she thinks ‘fine, if he won’t tell me what’s wrong it’s his problem’. But by now it’s both their problem. Each one festers over their bruised feelings all day until husband comes home at night and his dinner isn’t ready like it normally is. ‘Why isn’t tea ready?’ ‘Because I was busy doing other things’ ‘What things’ ‘Important things I’ve been meaning to do for a long time’ ‘When will dinner be ready’ ‘When I’m finished’ ‘Fine I’ll make it myself’ ‘Fine’ all she really wanted was a hug and for him to tell her he’s sorry and that he loves her. Later that night they climb into bed and husband tries to snuggle up to his wife but she pulls away and pretends to be asleep, all he really wanted was her to receive his affection and open up to him. The next day the cycle continues, and so on.
Sound familiar? It’s so easy to fall into it. And I think God knew that. So he puts a commandment in the bible to prevent this cycle from taking hold in marriage. But what should that commandment be? Should he put in a command for husbands, to prevent them from becoming bitter and resentful if their ongoing sexual needs aren’t met? But if he did, how could he possibly sum up all the potential permutations of meeting his wife’s many and various emotional needs? It would have to be a huge, sweeping and all encompassing commandment that relates to his attitude towards her and not just specific actions. It’d have to give an example, someone the husband could imitate when he felt confused and bewildered by needs he doesn’t even understand, someone like Jesus perhaps. It’s have to involve dying to himself, an ongoing attitude of sacrificial love, it’d have to sound something like:
Husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church.
But then God designed and intended for marriage to be an equal partnership in which both parties get their needs and desires met, and not just an illustration to the world of longsuffering and patient endurance – because Christ didn’t die for the church for no reason, or because of some spiritual masochism – he died for it so that it could raise up glorious and beautiful, and give him pleasure and honour.
So God couldn’t just leave it at that commandment. How could he ensure that wives would not instigate a cycle of manipulation by withholding the one basic need that enables a husband to function fully and wholly as God intended him to within marriage. It’d have to relate, quite simply, to sex. But how often should God insist that married couples have sex? Is 3 times a week a reasonable limit? Hmmm, some women would say that was too much, many men would complain it was too little – and after all, a numerical value won’t help because it’s about the wife’s attitude towards her husband, and not just rule-keeping.
Well, the only rule which seems to work across the board, is not to withhold sex at all, for any reason, under any circumstance, unless you’re both mutually agreeing to pray and fast. But wait a minute, that gives the man free license to demand sex whenever he wants regardless of his wife’s needs! Ok, so that’s what the first rule covers, as long as the husband is obeying this rule his attitude will be such that he won’t abuse or misuse the second rule. And if he’s keeping the first rule then the second rule should be a joy for his wife to fulfill! Nice one God.
You see the point. But funnily enough God didn’t do what we’d do, and put a ‘self preservation’ clause into either rule. He didn’t say ‘husbands treat your wife like Christ treated the church, die to yourself daily and demonstrate my love in every situation, oh, unless your wife is holding out on you with sex, in which case feel free to be a moody, irritable sod because it serves her right.’ Because, as we’ve seen such a clause would only facilitate and justify the cycle of unmet needs outlined previously.
And likewise there’s no such get-out clause in the sex rule. Much as many wives would like to think, it simply doesn’t say ‘never withhold sex from one another, oh, unless your husband is failing to meet your other emotional needs, pull his weight around the house and treat you like Christ treated the church – in which case you’re well within your rights to have sex when, and ONLY when you want it sister.’ Because, again, such a clause would simply fuel and justify the unmet need cycle.
And yet, so many of us live as if such clauses apply to us! Or we say, if you do your bit, I’ll do mine.
GOD DOES NOT GIVE US THAT OPTION.
And he sets up these rules such that, if either one of the partners fails to keep up their part, instead of the other party deciding to get revenge or withhold their needs, God radically instructs us to LOVE THEM BACK TO YOU.
So a husband who is not getting his sexual needs met has NO RIGHT to stop acting like Christ acted towards his bride, and instead must continue to love sacrificially – not so that God can punish him – but so that through him God can love his wife back to being the woman he created her to be. Remember why God sent Jesus, not to tell us off or to judge – ‘For God SO LOVED the world that he sent his only son’. There are some wonderful testimonies on this site of husbands who’ve done just that and marriages that have been graciously and gloriously restored as a result.
And a wife who is not getting her needs met or being loved like Christ loved the church has NO RIGHT to start withhold regular sexual fulfillment from her husband and instead must continue to meet his sexual needs, not to punish her, but to love him back to his senses, back to God and back into the role of husband that God intended him to fulfill. Likewise there are plenty of testimonies here of men who’s attitudes have been totally changed by their wife’s consistent obedience to meet their sexual needs.
So you see, in those two commandments God not only sets up the premise for a wonderful, fulfilling, blessed and joyful marriage when both partners are obeying and trusting him – but, he also builds in a ‘marriage defense mechanism’ which prevents the spread of bitterness and decay when one party strays from the path by instructing the other party to go on loving them and meeting their needs as they want them met, until they are simply compelled back to his grace. We are to be physical vessels of his grace and mercy to each other, to show the world who he is and what it’s like to be loved by him.
This is why husbands should love their wives as Christ loved the church, no matter what, and wives should honour and obey their husbands, and not withhold sex from them no matter what (and of course not withhold sex applies equally to men as well!).
So as you read this, where are you at? Which one are you and which side of God’s commandment do you fall on?
Right now in all honesty I feel as though my wonderful wife is doing her level best to meet my sexual needs, and I’m basking in the glorious pleasures and peace of that blessing. But I’m also aware that I’m starting to get a bit complacent, and perhaps I’m not taking my own responsibilities all that seriously. I’m doing enough to get by, but my attitudes are far from Christ-like in many areas of our marriage. I want to encourage and fuel my wife’s loving attitude and some times it’s involves more effort than I’m willing to find to actually seek out her needs and meet them. I don’t want that to become a habit in my life or my marriage, so I want to commit to starting a new trend over the next few weeks. Hold me to it!
Bless yall
ybrown
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
What happens when there are unmet sexual and emotional needs in marriage and how do we break out of the cycle once we’re in it?
Why sex is half the answer.
Think about it, men are quite simple creatures really. We are capable of being highly intelligent sure, but we’re nearly all burdened with this basic, regular, driving, animalistic, thought-time-energy consuming desire to have sex! We think about it every 7 seconds for goodness sake! And that’s God’s design, not a product of the fall. But why are we made this way - and then put together with a woman, a creature so intricate and complexly designed that they don’t even understand themselves or their own needs fully! How on earth was it a good idea to put a man, with his basic, constant sexual urges and needs together with a woman and her myriad of complex emotional, physical and spiritual needs!? Was there a mistake in the matching department, were we really supposed to live in same sex communes and come together occasionally for giant orgies?
Why did God put man and woman together, for life!
And why, when he knew full well that there would be a potentially constant conflict of needs, did he make sex a priority, and make it a sin to withhold sex?
As if to prove the madness of marriage, we all know how easy it is to slip into a cycle of withheld needs, it starts something like this,
The husband thought he was going to get lucky last night and got his hopes up, but his wife ended up being too tired and just wants to sleep when they get to bed because it took them longer to get rid of their guests than they thought and he left her to finish the washing up. Next morning husband wakes up grumpy and disappointed, and stomps around the house under a storm cloud. But when wife asks what’s the matter? Pride won’t let him admit that he’s disappointed because they didn’t have sex, so he mutters ‘nuffing’ and stomps off to work, not making his wife her usual cup of coffee. Wife is a bit confused and hurt because mornings are important to her and her husband has made her feel like something is her fault. But then anger turns to resentment as she thinks ‘fine, if he won’t tell me what’s wrong it’s his problem’. But by now it’s both their problem. Each one festers over their bruised feelings all day until husband comes home at night and his dinner isn’t ready like it normally is. ‘Why isn’t tea ready?’ ‘Because I was busy doing other things’ ‘What things’ ‘Important things I’ve been meaning to do for a long time’ ‘When will dinner be ready’ ‘When I’m finished’ ‘Fine I’ll make it myself’ ‘Fine’ all she really wanted was a hug and for him to tell her he’s sorry and that he loves her. Later that night they climb into bed and husband tries to snuggle up to his wife but she pulls away and pretends to be asleep, all he really wanted was her to receive his affection and open up to him. The next day the cycle continues, and so on.
Sound familiar? It’s so easy to fall into it. And I think God knew that. So he puts a commandment in the bible to prevent this cycle from taking hold in marriage. But what should that commandment be? Should he put in a command for husbands, to prevent them from becoming bitter and resentful if their ongoing sexual needs aren’t met? But if he did, how could he possibly sum up all the potential permutations of meeting his wife’s many and various emotional needs? It would have to be a huge, sweeping and all encompassing commandment that relates to his attitude towards her and not just specific actions. It’d have to give an example, someone the husband could imitate when he felt confused and bewildered by needs he doesn’t even understand, someone like Jesus perhaps. It’s have to involve dying to himself, an ongoing attitude of sacrificial love, it’d have to sound something like:
Husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church.
But then God designed and intended for marriage to be an equal partnership in which both parties get their needs and desires met, and not just an illustration to the world of longsuffering and patient endurance – because Christ didn’t die for the church for no reason, or because of some spiritual masochism – he died for it so that it could raise up glorious and beautiful, and give him pleasure and honour.
So God couldn’t just leave it at that commandment. How could he ensure that wives would not instigate a cycle of manipulation by withholding the one basic need that enables a husband to function fully and wholly as God intended him to within marriage. It’d have to relate, quite simply, to sex. But how often should God insist that married couples have sex? Is 3 times a week a reasonable limit? Hmmm, some women would say that was too much, many men would complain it was too little – and after all, a numerical value won’t help because it’s about the wife’s attitude towards her husband, and not just rule-keeping.
Well, the only rule which seems to work across the board, is not to withhold sex at all, for any reason, under any circumstance, unless you’re both mutually agreeing to pray and fast. But wait a minute, that gives the man free license to demand sex whenever he wants regardless of his wife’s needs! Ok, so that’s what the first rule covers, as long as the husband is obeying this rule his attitude will be such that he won’t abuse or misuse the second rule. And if he’s keeping the first rule then the second rule should be a joy for his wife to fulfill! Nice one God.
You see the point. But funnily enough God didn’t do what we’d do, and put a ‘self preservation’ clause into either rule. He didn’t say ‘husbands treat your wife like Christ treated the church, die to yourself daily and demonstrate my love in every situation, oh, unless your wife is holding out on you with sex, in which case feel free to be a moody, irritable sod because it serves her right.’ Because, as we’ve seen such a clause would only facilitate and justify the cycle of unmet needs outlined previously.
And likewise there’s no such get-out clause in the sex rule. Much as many wives would like to think, it simply doesn’t say ‘never withhold sex from one another, oh, unless your husband is failing to meet your other emotional needs, pull his weight around the house and treat you like Christ treated the church – in which case you’re well within your rights to have sex when, and ONLY when you want it sister.’ Because, again, such a clause would simply fuel and justify the unmet need cycle.
And yet, so many of us live as if such clauses apply to us! Or we say, if you do your bit, I’ll do mine.
GOD DOES NOT GIVE US THAT OPTION.
And he sets up these rules such that, if either one of the partners fails to keep up their part, instead of the other party deciding to get revenge or withhold their needs, God radically instructs us to LOVE THEM BACK TO YOU.
So a husband who is not getting his sexual needs met has NO RIGHT to stop acting like Christ acted towards his bride, and instead must continue to love sacrificially – not so that God can punish him – but so that through him God can love his wife back to being the woman he created her to be. Remember why God sent Jesus, not to tell us off or to judge – ‘For God SO LOVED the world that he sent his only son’. There are some wonderful testimonies on this site of husbands who’ve done just that and marriages that have been graciously and gloriously restored as a result.
And a wife who is not getting her needs met or being loved like Christ loved the church has NO RIGHT to start withhold regular sexual fulfillment from her husband and instead must continue to meet his sexual needs, not to punish her, but to love him back to his senses, back to God and back into the role of husband that God intended him to fulfill. Likewise there are plenty of testimonies here of men who’s attitudes have been totally changed by their wife’s consistent obedience to meet their sexual needs.
So you see, in those two commandments God not only sets up the premise for a wonderful, fulfilling, blessed and joyful marriage when both partners are obeying and trusting him – but, he also builds in a ‘marriage defense mechanism’ which prevents the spread of bitterness and decay when one party strays from the path by instructing the other party to go on loving them and meeting their needs as they want them met, until they are simply compelled back to his grace. We are to be physical vessels of his grace and mercy to each other, to show the world who he is and what it’s like to be loved by him.
This is why husbands should love their wives as Christ loved the church, no matter what, and wives should honour and obey their husbands, and not withhold sex from them no matter what (and of course not withhold sex applies equally to men as well!).
So as you read this, where are you at? Which one are you and which side of God’s commandment do you fall on?
Right now in all honesty I feel as though my wonderful wife is doing her level best to meet my sexual needs, and I’m basking in the glorious pleasures and peace of that blessing. But I’m also aware that I’m starting to get a bit complacent, and perhaps I’m not taking my own responsibilities all that seriously. I’m doing enough to get by, but my attitudes are far from Christ-like in many areas of our marriage. I want to encourage and fuel my wife’s loving attitude and some times it’s involves more effort than I’m willing to find to actually seek out her needs and meet them. I don’t want that to become a habit in my life or my marriage, so I want to commit to starting a new trend over the next few weeks. Hold me to it!
Bless yall
??
;D God is awesome.
And that's the "big" picture