What do you do?

[vin]

What do you do when you find yourself crying tears you just knew you'd never cry again?
This is why I HATE that song by MaryMary cause it's a big fat lie. And y'all can tell them I said it.

What do you do when you receive a prophet word and then just a few days later the very thing that was spoken to you wouldn't happen, happens?

I don't get it.

[anointedteacher]

Was there a condition to the prophetic word.... spoken or nonspoken, that caused it to happen?

[vin]

No there wasn't.

I guess I just need to accept that on this one maybe the prophet missed it. I don't know. But I'm hurtin like hell over something that I thought was over in my life. AFTER I was told by the prophet that the enemy wouldn't be able to do me like this again....exploit my weakness. And I thought it was over too. I felt that I had grown out of it. That I couldn't be hurt like this again. But it's like nothing has changed and won't change.

[Poetricia (G.A.P.)]

I am so sorry for your pain. It's one of the reasons why I don't subscribe much to the prophetic movement sweeping the nation. I tend to only take a prophet's word when it confirms something I know that I know that I know God has already spoken to me, and he's just confirming it through the mouth of the prophet. But God works different with everyone.

Giants once said something I thought was so simple yet so profound regarding the words of a prophet. Something like you know when a prophet's a prophet when what they say comes to pass. Something like that, I can't remember word for word. Didn't God say if he spoke it, will it not come to pass? If he sent the word out it will not return to him void.

The key is did the prophet say what thus saith the Lord, or what thus saith the prophet???

Again, I am sorry for your pain. I remember taking a painful test over and over and I could not understand for the LIFE of me why God chose to teach me this particular thing in such a painful heart-ache manner. And I still don't.

[vin]

Everything he said up to that point was confimation. But when he said that, "The enemy will no longer be able to exploit your weakness". I hadn't heard that before. I had to ask myself what my weakness was because I had never thought about it before. Then a few minutes later the Holy Spirit revealed to me what it was. And when I asked Him why He'd never told me that before He said, "Because the weakness was the symptom and not the problem. For the past nine years I've been fixing your problem".

The only thing I can think to say now is that I had already met/found this person BEFORE the word was spoken to me by the man of God. But I thought it would be enough to keep me from being hurt like this again. It wasn't.

Gap, I don't know why either. I really don't.

I'm just to the point where I don't know what God said any more. I don't want any more prophetic words. I have had enough.

[vin]

It's like every time I wobble to my feet I get knocked down again...in this same area. I can't lock myself in a closet.

[vin]

Giants once said something I thought was so simple yet so profound regarding the words of a prophet. Something like you know when a prophet's a prophet when what they say comes to pass. Something like that, I can't remember word for word. Didn't God say if he spoke it, will it not come to pass? If he sent the word out it will not return to him void.

But who decides how long it's supposed to take? You just can't tell that way. Too many years. Too much pain. Everything else has come to pass to my knowledge. But this....it only shows up to jab me again.

[giantsdodie]

I tell people all the time about prophecy.. Prophets know in PART and the prophecy in PART.. you need to go to GOD to get the WHOLE..

And one things I have found about God many times we believe that GOD is going to help us AVOID our fears.. I have found that many times HE will cause us to come face to face with our fears, what hurts us so that we can CONQUER it... thus REMOVING its power over us in the future...

I have seen GOD allow things I feared to come to pass just to show me that ultimately it has NO POWER over me other than what I give it..

[vin]

So I guess my fear is living the rest of my life alone. That no on will ever just want me for me. That no one will look at me and decide that he will love me. The thing I fear keeps coming on me again and again. I have no clue how to conquer this .

With every blow it gets harder to believe anything different will happen. When I try to believe again I bring more pain to myself instead of what I'm believing for. Since believing brings me so much pain, maybe I should just refuse to believe. I had the nerve to feel that this was my year to meet my mate.

[anointedteacher]

Feb 20, 2009 22:48:02 GMT -5 vin said:

So I guess my fear is living the rest of my life alone. That no on will ever just want me for me. That no one will look at me and decide that he will love me. The thing I fear keeps coming on me again and again. I have no clue how to conquer this .

The person that walked out of your life, wasn't the person God have for you.... You'll never alone in Christ, he the best person to have as a friend.... He will never leave U or forsake U...

May be you giving it too much glory and power.... I am 50+ old single woman, I can sit back and feel sorry and hurt and focus on being alone, nobody want be, no children (I love Kids) for the rest of my life... or I can focus on the things of God and what he has for me and what he destinated for me to do as a servant. I believe God will send me an husband, but I am not sitting and waiting for Boaz to come and knock me off my feet or running out looking and claiming. I don't even think about it. I've decided to live for God for the rest of my life.

With every blow it gets harder to believe anything different will happen. When I try to believe again I bring more pain to myself instead of what I'm believing for. Since believing brings me so much pain, maybe I should just refuse to believe. I had the nerve to feel that this was my year to meet my mate.

How about focusing on something else.... If I focus on everything I am believing God for, I think I will go crazy.

You have alot going for you, You're a gifted writer and have alot of fire in you.. Just do whatever God have for you to do right now, you don't have time to feel sorry for yourself. When you least expected, God will open the door again.

It sound like the prophecy do have a condition.... Hook up only with the person(man) God will send to you.

[nina2]

1- Everything he said up to that point was confimation. But when he said that, "The enemy will no longer be able to exploit your weakness". I hadn't heard that before. I had to ask myself what my weakness was because I had never thought about it before. Then a few minutes later the Holy Spirit revealed to me what it was. And when I asked Him why He'd never told me that before He said, "Because the weakness was the symptom and not the problem. For the past nine years I've been fixing your problem".

The only thing I can think to say now is that I had already met/found this person BEFORE the word was spoken to me by the man of God. But I thought it would be enough to keep me from being hurt like this again. It wasn't.

Gap, I don't know why either. I really don't.

I'm just to the point where I don't know what God said any more. I don't want any more prophetic words. I have had enough.
2- It's like every time I wobble to my feet I get knocked down again...in this same area. I can't lock myself in a closet.

3- But who decides how long it's supposed to take? You just can't tell that way. Too many years. Too much pain. Everything else has come to pass to my knowledge. But this....it only shows up to jab me again.
4- So I guess my fear is living the rest of my life alone. That no one will ever just want me for me. That no one will look at me and decide that he will love me. The thing I fear keeps coming on me again and again. I have no clue how to conquer this .

With every blow it gets harder to believe anything different will happen. When I try to believe again I bring more pain to myself instead of what I'm believing for. Since believing brings me so much pain, maybe I should just refuse to believe. I had the nerve to feel that this was my year to meet my mate.

Job 3:25 For the thing which I greatly feared is come upon me, and that which I was afraid of is come unto me.

Job 3:26 I was not in safety, neither had I rest, neither was I quiet; yet trouble came.

Vin, I know that the storm raging through your soul right now, and the pain you experience, are awesome ones, and I want you to know that you are in my prayers....

I am sure that most of us have, in different areas of our life, experienced going around the same mountain for one time to many, and actually asked God "I've learnt it already, I know every blade of grass, every spot, every stone, on that mountain, what is there left for me to learn?" Yet, the itinerary remains the same...

If I may, it seems to me that what was said to you has truth in it, as you wrote it:

"The enemy will no longer be able to exploit your weakness".

You are very brave to actually acknowledge that your weakness is the fear of being alone, being alone meaning without a mate. However, even through your different posts here, there is a progression, and there is progress in understanding the awesome work of God, which also increases the pain and sorrow you actually experience right now...

How is the enemy able to exploit your weakness right now by being allowed to bring about the same situation?
His goal is not the pain itself, but the reaction that it triggers from way deeper than that... And that's also what you have discerned and expressed in your "reaction" by saying:

"Since believing brings me so much pain, maybe I should just refuse to believe. I had the nerve to feel that this was my year to meet my mate."

And the keyword - to me - in what you say is "maybe"... Wouldn't the enemy rejoice if you actually started down that path? If you allowed you soul to just give up and deliberately step into the dark?
But that nerve is still feeling, and what powers it is NOT from the devil.... Do have the audacity and the nerve to believe, for that and everything else!

It seems that, at the root of what you call fear of being alone for the rest of your life, is first rejection.
You can handle being alone, you do have a fruitful and positive life right now, in many ways. What that "weakness" triggers and makes you react to is the feeling of rejection that comes with it...

It has to do with our sense of self, in other words, with our ego. And yes, it hurts, a lot... It's important to determine when it started, maybe in what other areas of our life it has manifested, and why. And then, willingly this time, take that one last round around that mountain. And when we get to the spot where the sign on the side of the road says "warning: ego!", then this time, we can negotiate that turn and come out on the other side of it whole and with complete victory over our "self"..
Until the next moutain is in sight :-)

It won't make you feel better right now, but if we are honest, most of us deal with it, and on a regular basis... Everything starts with a thought, and we have to guard ours, and it doesn't mean being in denial. It's knowing our mechanism, so to speak, and being able to stop ourself from letting our thoughts take us where we don't want to go, especially when we already know the end result, as in "been there, done that"...

I don't know "who decides how long it's supposed to take" but, if I may talk about my personal experience, for me it took as long as I allowed myself to take it. That part, you have the power to decide once you know what you are dealing with.

Don't give up on God, he is the one from whom the gift is coming! Let go of your self, hold on to love - including of yourself - and watch the pieces come into place..

[vin]

This month our pastor/bishop said that the Lord gave him the theme "Feed Your Faith and Starve Your Fear". I thought to myself, "Hmmm. I can't say that I have any fears right now."

But the Lord let me feel some left shoulder pain, and middle of the back pain and I went to the doctor. I failed the first stress test, which set me up for the nuclear stress test. But half way through the process I realized what was really happening. I had a fear and an anxiety that had been lying really low for most of my life, but especially since watching my mother die in 2006. I had panic attacks/heart palpatations for several weeks after that. I would feel my heart doing in my chest what I saw my mother's heart doing in her chest while she was dying/cardiac arrest. I was talking to my sister about it and she told me it was nothing but panic attacks. She prayed for me and rebuked the enemy. The panic stopped, but I realized a few weeks ago that the anxiety just quieted down. So God let me have some symptoms to send me back to the doctor just so He could uncover my hidden fear. I passed the nuclear stress test with no abnomal anything. My heart is fine, except it had fear in it. (wow, this is for my future book)

But then Giants mentioned fear and now Nina...and at first I thought, why is he talking about fear? And then Nina. So God has allowed me to find someone from 30 years ago. The two of us loved each other as young teens more than anything else. If he bought me a pack of gum I wouldn't share a piece with anybody. We grew so close that my mother met him on the sidewalk one day and asked him not to come over for 3 days because she thought we were getting too close. I remember standing in the door way and watching him drop his head and say "okay", and walked back down the sidewalk to go back home. He would either ride his bike to my house or the bus. He was more than just a couple of blocks away. But he came over every day unless his mom or dad said no. I guess they all thought we were too close. But the damage was done. We thought the sun rose and set on each other.

The last time we talked he told me about when he broke up with me. He said that it was after my mom had gotten married and we had moved....(i remember it was actually before that) Every time he came over, after he had been there for about 10 minutes I would start to cry. He would ask me why I was crying and I would always say that I was afraid that I would lose him. He would say, "But I'm here" And I would just be so afraid that I would lose him. After a while he couldn't take it any more.

I told him why I was afraid. I wasn't pretty. I didn't have long hair. I didn't wear nice clothes. We were the poorest family in the neighborhood. My house was ugly. My mom's bedroom used to be the garage. Our house looked like it was just dropped in the middle of the block. There was a girl named Adrienne Clay who was so pretty. She was the girl I would have been if I could have chosen. He had told me he had met her before. I thought she would be able to take him from me. He was the cutest boy in school. I knew he could have had any girl he wanted. (he said, naah when I told him that) Even my friends had jumped my case one day telling me that I need to dress better and that I wasn't looking nice enough for my man and that if he was theirs they would be looking better for him. This let me know they take him if they could.

He told me "I wasn't looking at any of that. None of that you just said, I wasn't looking at any of that. I was looking at the fact thta you were pretty (he said I was the prettiest girl in school!) you were smart, you were sweet, you were innocent. I wasn't looking at any of that other stuff you just mentioned"

So he loved me for who I was.

[vin]

Nina I don't know when it happened. I don't know what happened to me to make me so afraid I'd never be loved. I let him love me for about 2 years and then I pushed him away with my fear of rejection. I have no idea where it came from. My earliest remembrance of rejection is kindergarten when the other kids wouldn't play with me because I was too tall. They said I looked like I should be in the second or third grade. So they told me to git and they wouldn't play with me. Is that was damaged me so? I don't know. All I know is that Ricky was the love of my life and I have wondered if I hadn't pushed him away that we would have grown up and married each other and still been together today.

Since him I have never had anyone to love me....just for me. I married my ex husband because he was a reject like I thought I was. And he mistreated me. So he was more of a reject than I was. I spent 13 years trying to grow and he spent the same amount of time trying to keep me from growing.

So I find Ricky after all these years. He's telling me about his life and all he's been through. It's like we're old friends. But the moment he says he'll call me back, or he'll call me tomorrow...my immediate thought is, "He's not gonna call". "What if he doesn't call?" "How long should I wait? Maybe I should call him. He's probably not gonna call. Lord I just want somebody to call me sometimes. How come they never call me?"

So I guess according to Giants and Nina, and God. He let me find this person I loved so much before, (and was ready to fall in love again) just so He could show me that there is still fear in there. I'm still afraid of rejection. As much as I have grown, I haven't quite grown out of my fear of rejection.

I don't know where it started. So how do I fix it? I don't want to lose my friend. I don't want to drive him away again. Right now if I can just keep his friendship, if it never becomes anything else, I will feel like I have the victory. He's the only person who ever loved me FOR ME. I don't want to ever lse that.

But I don't know what to do. I wrote him yesterday and told him that I was really hurt because he'd said he would call and didn't. (he was supposed to visit me this weekend but his mom got hospitalized) (I know, I'm a jerk) But I'm not telling the whole story. He had three weeks to contact me and didn't, and when I finally got hold of him he told me he would call me the next day and didn't. Never mentioning the visit we had planned.

But there could be another emergency too.

So now I just feel so bad. All because I was afraid. When I feel the fear I act on it and my actions bring about the very thing I fear.

Right now I just don't want to push him away again. Now that I see what I'm doing wrong, I don't want to ruin our relationship, no matter what it is. If it can only be an occasional email, I want that with him. Because it would mean I didn't push him away with my fears.

I owe him an apology.


The Lord told me a few years ago, "I can't have my woman scared. I need you to be as tenacious as any man. If I see you have a fear of something, I'll keep it in front of you until you no longer fear it, because I can't afford to have you afraid''

He meant that thang didn't He?

[vin]

Okay. I had deleted his number from my phone last night because I felt I needed to. I needed to stop calling him and the best way to do that, for me, was to delete his number. If he calls we'll talk. I remember when he first gave me his number I thought, "I wish he hadn't done that". Cause I know I have issues. So now it's gone and since I didn't know it by heart, I can't keep calling. I have to face the fear of rejection and see if he'll really call.

But I did send him an email apologizing to him. If you guys want to see it I'll post it here. No pride. God has revealed this thing to me and I want it fixed. I want it right. I want to be healed and WHOLE. I don't want to feel like damaged goods anymore.

I just wanted to share it here because it's one thing for another woman to tell you, "if he don't call it's his loss!". But I don't want to go through life blaming men for my issues. I want to know what's wrong with ME. Because it seems to me that I'M the one losing!

Man I tell y'all all my business. When I become famous y'all gonna have a lot of dirt on me. . That's alright. At least I'll be FREE.

[vin]

He may not call. But for the first time in my LIFE I'm not afraid that he won't call. For the first time in my life I'm not saying, "He's not gonna call. He's probably not gonna call". I messed up and I apologized with all my heart. And I'm not afraid.

Giants and Nina I was wondering how you guys read my post and came up with Fear and Rejection. I wondered, "How did they get that out of my post? But it was the Holy Ghost, right in line with the theme that He gave our bishop for the month of February. I went from thinking I didn't have any fears to facing my two BIGGEST OF MY WHOLE LIFE.

I feel so much better. It feels so good not to be afraid