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Post by kitty on Sept 10, 2008 16:06:11 GMT -5
Hey Guys...
The guy that I am currently dating and I came to a good decision... we decided that rather than to focus on becoming emotionally attached to each other... We would best spend this time early in a possible relationship to ask each other questions to see if we are on the same page...
We figured that we would "go there" and ask the hard questions of each other... the questions that people usually don't ask until they are considering marriage or already engaged. We decided that they problem with waiting until then is that people usually have already decided to get married at that point so really asking those question is null and void... Plus once a person has ultimately decided that they want to get married... They may not be as honest in their answers...
These are some of the questions I have gotten so far... Let me know about what you all think of these questions and add some that you think I should ask... Also I would like to compile a list of questions like this to add to the marriage web site...
Kitty
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Post by kitty on Sept 10, 2008 16:08:07 GMT -5
Ok...
These are the questions that I got... some from Oprah's web site...
Religion Questions
Religion cannot be reduced to affiliation. That's especially true today, when religion has become complicated for people. Dr. Robin has friends who chose not to be actively involved in a formal religion. However, she was raised as a Catholic, and he was Jewish, and these strong historical and familial influences constantly showed up as surprise guests in their lives.
They thought they had rejected the religious affiliations of their parents, but when they became parents themselves, they found themselves automatically being drawn back. Naturally, this created a serious conflict about which religious influence would dominate their child's life. Because these were not dogmatic people, they eventually found a way to give their child the gift of a mixed religious heritage, but not every couple will find that possible. So when you're having a conversation about religion, open it up beyond affiliation, and find out what religion means to each of you.
Do you believe in God? What does that mean to you?
Do you have a current religious affiliation? Is it a big part of your life?
Does your religion impose any behavioral restrictions (dietary, social, familial, sexual) that would affect your partner?
How important is it to you for your partner to share your religious beliefs?
How important is it to you for your children to be raised in your religion?
Kitty
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Post by kitty on Sept 10, 2008 16:10:05 GMT -5
Here are some more questions...
Work Questions
Let's acknowledge that we live in an extremely status-oriented society, with emphasis placed on marrying a person with the "right" professional identity. How often have you heard people brag (or maybe you've bragged yourself) about a partner, saying, "He's a doctor" or "She's a model," as if status alone were enough to guarantee a good relationship. Unfortunately, you don't hear people bragging, "He's a kindergarten teacher" or "She's an administrative assistant at a not-for-profit organization in the Bronx." This is part of the problem. When we focus on status, we destroy any chance to live an authentic life with a partner who shares our values. These are the questions you really want answered:
Are you working in your chosen profession?
How many hours a week do you work?
What is your dream job?
What is your retirement plan? What do you plan to do when you stop working?
What does your job entail? (For example: Do you often travel for business, work at home or perform dangerous tasks?)
Money Questions
Money is a loaded topic. Many couples stop talking at the point of "how much," assuming the rest will take care of itself. But questions about money will infuse themselves into every area of your life and show up on a daily basis. These are a few questions you should ask:
What is your annual income?
Should individuals within a marriage have separate bank accounts in addition to joint accounts?
Do you have significant debts?
Do you believe in establishing a family budget?
How important is it for you to make a lot of money?
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Post by vin on Sept 10, 2008 19:27:56 GMT -5
Let's acknowledge that we live in an extremely status-oriented society, with emphasis placed on marrying a person with the "right" professional identity. How often have you heard people brag (or maybe you've bragged yourself) about a partner, saying, "He's a doctor" or "She's a model," as if status alone were enough to guarantee a good relationship. Unfortunately, you don't hear people bragging, "He's a kindergarten teacher" or "She's an administrative assistant at a not-for-profit organization in the Bronx." This is part of the problem. When we focus on status, we destroy any chance to live an authentic life with a partner who shares our values. This immediately reminded me of the one guy I thought was my other self. He was a pre-school teacher for children with disabilities...like MS and things that for some of them he actually had to feed them I thought that made him that much more of a hero to me. It meant he was full of compassion and that he would make a good daddy for my little ones. But it does depend on what a person is focused on. I think that a few questions to ask would be about marriage. As ladies we especially need to know when the guy plans to be married. Sometimes we're picking out dresses and flowers and he's not thinking marriage at all. When does he see himself getting married? Does he feel he's ready? If not, why? Does he feel financially unprepared? What is his reason for not being ready? Does he date one person at a time or are there other (friends)? Does he want (more) children? Has he had a surgery to not have children? (I know a real life couple) She WASTED several years of her life being married to him. He had two and she had none and loved kids. She actually never should have married him. Wound up leaving him anyway. Has God shown him something about his future wife? Has God given him any particulars or instructions concerning marriage or his wife? Has he ever hit a woman? Does he think there's ever a reason to hit a woman? Does he have a temper? How does he handle stress? Does he become verbally offensive? How does he handle anger? Does he buy things to make himself feel better? How does he handle money....FOR REAL. If he has children, what's his relationship with them like? That's all I can think of for now. |
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Post by kitty on Sept 10, 2008 22:58:22 GMT -5
Hey Vin,
Those are some really good questions... I'm going to add them to my list.
Kitty
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Post by giantsdodie on Sept 11, 2008 8:16:06 GMT -5
Just throwing out 2 cents here... People Lie... What questions should we be askng the Lord  ? |
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Post by kitty on Sept 11, 2008 8:39:03 GMT -5
Giants,
Big Brother... I hear ya! You know that praying to God about it goes without saying... But God can also make things clear to me through my circumstances and I don't want to ignore that either...
I also want to add that over the past 8 years I have been on my knees to God about marriage and a husband and His will for my life. So far I have tried to follow that as close as possible. Generally I have been clear about what God is directing me to do...
Even as you have stated and with your own personal experiences... God can be saying yes and both people can still mess it up or miss it... In fact wasn't it during your discussions with the first young lady that you noticed a problem?
My goal in discussing these questions isn't to limit God... But to be objective about talking to another Christian about their views on life and views that affect deciding to and forging a life together in marriage.
I've been giving a green light in my prayer time to , "check him out". So to speak...
Kitty
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Post by kitty on Sept 11, 2008 8:47:54 GMT -5
Oh yeah.... I also wanted to add that along with prayer to God... and receiving guidance from God... The answers that a person receives from these questions should line up... especially open ended questions that are not simply yes or no questions... But requires some thought to answer and aren't presented and questions with "right" and "wrong" answers.
Meaning this... If you believe that God has stated that this person is His will... But in discussing these questions, something seems a bit off... You get a red flag of some sort... It may be a good possiblility that maybe one hasn't heard from God as clearly as they have believed... Or in a lot of cases... Maybe their heart is deceiving them...
But either way... If what one believes they have heard from God... doesn't seem to be lining up with their expereince with a person... then there good be a good chance that it isn't God.
Kitty
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Post by livinganewlife on Sept 11, 2008 10:14:46 GMT -5
Just throwing out 2 cents here... People Lie... What questions should we be askng the Lord ? I am with you on that..... "Lately the Lord has really been maturing me and I now see that integrating worldly philosophies with the Holy Ghost is not always good....especially regarding "covenant" agreements...... That's all I got to say about that! |
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Post by kitty on Sept 11, 2008 10:33:51 GMT -5
Living...
Do you really feel that asking some of these questions is an attempt to interegrat worldy philosophies with the Holy Ghost?
How so? Please explain?
Kitty
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Post by kitty on Sept 11, 2008 10:43:42 GMT -5
Here are some more Questions....
By the way... if there are some questions that anyone thinks shouldn't be asked... then please state that as well...
Sex Questions
Men and women have different issues with owning their sexuality. For men, it is denying the significance of sex and not seeing the sacredness in the act. For women, it is more often ignorance and shame, not giving themselves permission to know what they need and then matching it with their behavior. In a conversation about your sexual expectations and fears, be sure to respect each other's boundaries. Your goal in asking these questions is not to pry into every detail of sexual history, but to open a conversation about the most intimate aspect of your relationship.
What sexual activities do you enjoy most? Are there specific sexual acts that make you uncomfortable? Be specific!
Do you feel comfortable initiating sex? If yes, why? If no, why?
What do you need in order to be in the mood for sex?
How often do you need or expect sex?
Is sexual fidelity an absolute necessity in a good marriage?
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Post by Rachel2 on Sept 11, 2008 11:06:13 GMT -5
Kitty here is my 2 cents.....God made us intelligent beings with the ability to think and make choices. I believe that through prayer (seeking Him first) He gives us the wisdom to ask the right questions, process the information and make the right decision. Yes, people do lie. This is where the Holy Ghost comes in. I know from experience that if you have a close personal relationship with God, He will let you know when people are lying. Just as He will let you know if someone not to be your mate.
I am happy for those who didn't have to date. But, that's how God did it for them. If I haven't learned anything else in the years that I have been saved, I have certainly learned that God deals with us as individuals. Just because He did it for you that way, does not mean He will do it for me that way.
His plan for me may be that I have to deal with a few "imposters" before He sends "the one" because He is trying to work something in me. Maybe I need this experience to help me get over my preconceived notions about what I want in a mate so that I will accept and truly appreciate "the one" when he finally comes even if he has none of the attributes I think he should have.
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Post by livinganewlife on Sept 11, 2008 13:41:01 GMT -5
Living... Do you really feel that asking some of these questions is an attempt to interegrat worldy philosophies with the Holy Ghost? How so? Please explain? Kitty Kitty, I am not saying don't be alert, don't pay attention to what your physical ears and eyes see in regard to relationships.... But as saints of God and especially dealing in the area of marriage we (general) do not get it.... I say that not as an attack but as a thought to seriously ponder....as I grow up i realize that God's ways are not our ways and his thoughts and plans are not our thoughts and plans.... And life can not be bottled into this perfect little package... we (general) as believers must determine what God's ultimate will is for our lives and (God) will tell you and give you specifics on how to act accordingly.... I for one didn't believe that God will give you specifics but as I travel this journey of marriage God will (and is the only one) that can give specifics regarding your life and your "covenant" relationship.... I am not trying to bash you (so please don't take it that way as you know I am one of your greatest supporters in the area of marriage); however since you and that gentleman have both agreed to asking each other these questions please don't forget to ask God what is his purpose for you and marriage... Kitty, the real answer may frighten you....honestly if we (general) look at marriage from God's perspective it is nothing glamorized it is seriously about sacrificing yourself.... Marriage should really imitate your relationship with Christ.... And Kitty I would say the most important questions for believers to ask someone are: Do you know God's will and purpose for your life? Are you walking in the will God has purposed for you? Are you ready to accept God's will for your life? Is a spouse the will of God for your life? How does a spouse effect the will of God for your life? Has God told you anything regarding your marriage and the reasons why he wants you married? Seriously these questions will let you know if a person is just full of talk or really seeking God for their lives...and of course expound on the answer because you can't just give yes and no answers on what is God's will for your life..... Be Blessed Sister and hang on in there! |
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Post by Poetricia (G.A.P.) on Sept 11, 2008 14:45:56 GMT -5
Let me know about what you all think of these questions and add some that you think I should ask... Also I would like to compile a list of questions like this to add to the marriage web site...Kitty my two cents: okay, i know i'm gonna sound like a prude here, but i for one am not feeling this. asking someone i'm in the early stages of dating all these questions and having all these questions asked of me? uh-huh, no sir ree bob. i am a very private person, and to me, having an open dialogue like that is a form of intimacy in and of itself and for me to open my heart and my thoughts on all those questions with someone i'm not even sure is god's choice for me is just not wise. not wise at all. (except the questions on religion, now those i think are important early in a relationship cuz you should be on the same page there for sure) Hey Guys... The guy that I am currently dating and I came to a good decision... we decided that rather than to focus on becoming emotionally attached to each other... We would best spend this time early in a possible relationship to ask each other questions to see if we are on the same page... We figured that we would "go there" and ask the hard questions of each other... the questions that people usually don't ask until they are considering marriage or already engaged. We decided that they problem with waiting until then is that people usually have already decided to get married at that point so really asking those question is null and void... Plus once a person has ultimately decided that they want to get married... They may not be as honest in their answers..Kitty okay, you decided, you figured, i'm sorry but like giants i must ask the question what has god decided? what does god figure? sorry if this sounds harsh, just wondering why the rush to discuss such personal things when you don't even know if you're god's choice for one another. and what then if you aren't? will you go through this same series of questions with every guy you date until you find the one that is god's choice? i don't know i guess for me some of those questions are just too much early in a relationship. |
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Post by Rachel2 on Sept 11, 2008 15:24:37 GMT -5
Do you know God's will and purpose for your life? Are you walking in the will God has purposed for you? Are you ready to accept God's will for your life? Is a spouse the will of God for your life? How does a spouse effect the will of God for your life? Has God told you anything regarding your marriage and the reasons why he wants you married?
My other 2 cents....and I am not attacking or trying to offend anyone, but I have a friend who asked all of the "spiritual" questions above, got the right answers, got married and is miserable every single day because these are the only questions she asked. And will swear that God told her to marry this man because he gave all the right answers and according to her, he was truly living the life, not just lip service.
The questions she didn't ask are the ones causing problems in their marriage.
The point I am making is that we are more than spirit...we also have a body. We do not live in the spiritual realm 24/7. When Pastors do marriage counseling, they insist that couples explore the same kinds of questions that Kitty is posting here.
I can see GAP's point in thinking it might be too early in the relationship to be asking some of these questions.
And no, my friend didn't get counseling before marrying the guy. He gave all the right answers to the spiritual questions so they didn't feel counseling was necessary.
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