Dating-the christian cuss word

[Beulah5]

Ok this is anarticle by shawn boltz whose ministry has really blessed me as a young person over the years-now he is doing a series on pursuing healthy relationships and i just wanted to post them on here

A CHRISTIAN CUSS WORD: DATING




Here is where I will offend many but hopefully it will all work out: God invented Dating. He created a process of pursuing, alluring, provoking, the one you are spiritually and sexually attracted to. This has worked out different in every culture and each culture has its strengths and limits about the subject but God inspired the idea of romance. He loves romance and the concept of the "D" word is first his before it's the worlds or satan's. Its just been so imbalanced and people cycle through more of the opposite sex faster then a competitor can cycle through the iron man.

God Himself, spoke romantically all through the Bible to show His continuing wooing of Israel and His covenant people. It was a dating or courtship process that required steps and process. It was also very different in each season of the pursuit so there was form to it but no one model each time. This is important to understand because God Himself dated Israel! OK OK He didn't date because He knew what He was going to inherit the bride for Himself but He did use relationship language. Jesus was promised a bride and came down from heaven to prepare her for Himself.

Before you hate on me, let me give you what I think God's definition is of dating:

Dating according to God = The pursuit or being pursued by someone who is qualified to be interested in us. Getting to know someone you are attracted to both spiritually and naturally with the desire for a love to develop that MIGHT and hopefully (key word = might) lead to marriage. Bonding with someone in order to get to know them in a way to possibly share life with them.

Now let me tell you the worlds definition of dating:

Dating according to the world = To find someone to be happy with and enjoy. Shopping for someone to spend your life with. Sometimes to hook up or try out potential people in all areas of possible connection. To have an encounter with someone based on sexual chemistry. To say to a girl "How you doin?" and hope she responds for the night. The desire to no longer be alone. The hope for a better life based on the American dream. The desire for immediate gratification from the opposite sex without any long term hope. The desire to be with someone to avoid the pain of lonliness.

Now let me tell you the religious spirit's definition of dating:

Dating…no wait Scratch that! : Courting (better Christian word to separate ourselves from danger) according to the church= to meet someone that all your key people in your religious world approve of then get married as soon as possible because that is the only goal. To meet someone in hopes that they are your absolutely perfect counterpart which will allow you to accomplish all of God's greater goals for your life, and without them you might never accomplish anything real. To meet someone that God tells you is the one then rush through intimacy building calling it courtship. Also, means To pretend like you aren't dating without the fun of dating.

Let me be real. If you are going to spend the rest of your life with someone of the opposite sex then God wants to give you the time and enjoyment of getting to know them without planning your whole wedding on the first date in your mind. This made me think about my friends in home school when I was in high school who never had the chance to meet anyone because they were taught the religious form of dating. This meant that the person had to drop out of the sky and say "Marry Me!" right off the bat.

Most of them are still unmarried. My poor home school friends don't even have a chance, who do they get to meet? Obviously many homeschoolers do not have this problem because there are many different types of parents raising homeschool kids. The ones I was referring to were not necessarily the standard homeschoolers, they were more of the extreme (whisper: I hope at least).

SETTING STANDARDS:

Do you know its ok to get to know someone you are interested in without having to visualize her/ him at the alter? Of course its good to be interested in them for the desire of marriage, but this desire can not be desperate or the only focus. The relationship itself has to be the goal, not the progression of where the relationship will lead you. Well let's talk about it.

If we were only in relationship with Jesus with the only motivation to go to heaven, what a terrible and boring relationship that would be. It would be based on need/fear/freedom from hell instead of love/intimacy/union with God. Most of us treat dating this way, having the ultimate motive of just getting married to someone. Whenever there is a focus in a male/female relationship that is beyond just building relationship without a foundation of intimacy and friendship then it becomes imbalanced.

How do you set a standard of getting to know someone you are interested in a clean way? How many times are you allowed to go through this without looking like a church hussy?

We coined this term "church hussy' because most people start to look bad after they have dated more then three people in the church to the rest of the community in the congregation. They look especially bad if one was one of the pastors adult children.

What are the safety nets that will keep you um…safe when it comes to going forward or backing out even if its not mutual? We are going to look at this question in future chapters, keep reading on.

*END

[Beulah5]

The Great Balancing Act of Relationships

This particular chapter is about balance. We need to have a balanced perspective on setting goals to pursuing relationships.

I will start out by saying that the vast majority of the church has over reacted to the worldliness of secular dating and has put up such stringent rules for getting into a relationship that singles often get stuck.

Many of these rules require that you have some sort of knowing from heaven that says "This is the one for you FOREVER!" before you even start getting to know the person. This causes clunky courtship destined only for marriage whether you discover if he/she is a psycho or not.

Of course that scenario only happens when the one who has supposedly heard from God actually tells their object of desire that they are interested, which in some Christian circles can take months…no years of the burning desire brewing to the point of insanity. We will talk about this scenario later..it creates a Christian form of stalking. (I am doing a whole blog just on stalking with some current stories of my very own stalkers! Stay tuned!)

Also many of the church people who began to write materials on dating or setting these standards never used them in their own relationships. This means a lot of what is written is in reaction to weakness as opposed to written for the sake of truth and enjoying life.

So here is where we need to go in our talk: A balanced way to pursue a desire of your heart and an attraction of your spirit, mind, and body. I have spent many hours hearing awesome dating life stories from Christians who are now married. I have also walked next to some who are now hurting from painful imbalanced relationships.

We really need to address balance.

Repeat after me: Just because one church embraces a more traditional courtship model doesn't mean that I have to or should, or if they are completely liberal it shouldn't make me a complete follower until I have found the desire of God in these things first.

YOU ARE IN CHARGE OF THE RELATIONSHIP YOU BUILD

When you read this next statement it is not written so that you will cast off restraints and close your ears to your authority figures. I am not inviting you to rebel against your leadership or your parents or family unit.

You do however have a responsibility to be in charge of the relationships you build. You have to have your own mind about this process of relationships. At the end of the day God will hold you responsible for how you pursued the relationship. Male/Female romantic relationships are not supposed to be dictated by your parents. They are not supposed to be organized by your ministry that you are accountable to, they may be inspired by it though.

So many people are submitting themselves in wrong ways trusting another man or woman with their life and destiny in this area, and we aren't talking about the person that they are pursuing or being pursued by. I know people who let their parents or pastors have so much authority in this process that they don't even think for themselves in it and just coast on autopilot to other peoples decisions. That hasn't worked out for anyone I know to well.

You and I both know that relationships are the most precious thing besides the first commandment that we have. That means that God himself wants to be in the process of choice. He wants to encourage you as you facilitate your relationship and He even wants to speak into that process.

So much of what the world and much of the religious culture promotes is not true healthy relationship but instead codependent marriage or courting relationships. We need to desire inter dependent loving sacrificing relationship. One is based on our human desire, one is based on God's spiritual desire.

YOU HAVE FREEDOM TO SET YOUR OWN STANDARDS

Now let me state this, unless you have a bad moral foundation or major character issues then you have the freedom to set your own standards in the relationship process. God will mentor you, and as you hear healthy stories from those who are experiencing good marriage or relationships around you this will help you. You will need advice, help, counsel, and friendships that are role models, but you need to avoid controlling relationships. Although you want to learn from others, you can not let yourself be controlled by someone else's model, type, or standards. These models and theological structures can inspire you but you can't be bound to someone else's interpretation to your own personal process. This is where the spirit of control thrives, to get you addicted to someone else's opinions and desires for you.

As a pastor it is not my job to set standards in other adult lives, but I am to help guide them as a father into creating their own standards. When people set their own standards through right interpretation of the Scripture and through balanced relationships that have accountability and love, they will live or die by them. When I set standards for someone, they never fully own them in a life and death way. Instead it just becomes good principles in their heads. If I helped someone get married primarily out of my desire for them, then that means when they went through a hard time I would have to help maintain their relationship or their desire for each other.

I have seen this happen to young couples whose parents or friends wanted it more then they did for each other and sometimes in these unhealthy cases, it's those that wanted them together that project their desire for each other more then it really exists.

GOD LOVES LOVE, ITS WHAT HE SPEAKS MOST ABOUT







God is a relational God and He personally loves love – are you going to let someone else's standards steal the relationship process from you? That is what I define as a "religious dating spirit" Being bound by others doctrine in a way that violates your own choice to pursue God and others in a way that is different.

Yes there are voices that set an example but these examples are only types of what it can be like. Since every relationship is radically different that means the process will be too.

So freedom to you if you are bound by someone else's desire for you or model for you. Set your own first, and let theirs be inspirational to what God is already showing you! If you need help setting standards, coming up with a relationship process, etc begin to reach out to your Christian friends who have success in their relationship. If you read books or go to seminars on relationships then make sure to get a balanced perspective and not hide behind a model itself.

[Beulah5]

Blog 3.0 I'm Not Married and So Can You Be
Category: Romance and Relationships


IM NOT MARRIED AND SO CAN YOU BE!



So one of the most common questions by mothers that I get is "Why are you not married yet?" Some ask as if asking if there is something wrong with me. Some ask as if asking if there is something wrong with the woman in my life for not catching me yet. Some wonder even if I am gay.

Can't a guy catch a break?

To build credibility with the mothers who constantly are trying to fix me up with their daughters, nieces, sisters, and even themselves, let me take you on my journey. Oh wait, if you take that previous line as arrogant then you might think that I am under the presumption that I am this amazing catch. I am only sought after because I am in the public eye to some degree…I am under no dilusions of awesomeness ::grin:: although I do think I have a great smile. I never thought I would write this into a blog, but sometimes someone else's journey helps you have faith for your own.


FOR ME IT WAS THE FREEDOM OF BEING SINGLE THAT HE WANTED.




When I was 20 I was involved with a girl who I thought I would be with forever. I had our whole life planned out down to names for children. I had been convinced for over a while that I was going to marry this beautiful girl and I know she cared deeply for me as well.

Then (abbreviated version) I clearly felt Jesus ask me to walk with Him for a season. He asked me to sacrifice my romantic love for Him telling me that He wanted an intimacy that was deeper but needed my attention on Him for a season.

There was nothing wrong with my love for her, he was not punishing me. He was also not just wanting to work on my character so I could be "ready." He was just inviting me into a walk with Him that was special and set apart. I had a choice, and I said "If you will fulfill my desires and keep me from deep loneliness then I will walk with you."

I felt specifically to not be in a relationship during the decade of my twenties. I wasn't legalistic and I knew it was an invitation so I was willing to take it day by day and walk with Him this way. I wasn't crippled by the restraint, instead I walked in a level of freedom from having to think about a mate, who she might be, what our life might be like, and I was able to completely focus on Him.

I am so glad I chose to walk with Him in this way for so long personally because He has filled my life with opportunities that I just wouldn't have been able to accomplish without the freedom of being fully dedicated.

It made me wonder: What if a generation of Christians give a dedicated season where they choose not to think about a spouse or romance for a time? Of course I am not asking anyone to make this commitment or for the length of time I have but what would happen if we would allow ourselves to be set apart first?

Some people think this is very idealistic but actually, when it's a choice, its very practical and grace based.

Either way, if your heart is to potentially pursue the person you meet that seems right, or if you choose to be set a part, there is a lot to learn about yourself. The odds are most people don't want to be alone, they already feel ready to pursue someone or feel lonely enough to find someone who will at least offer basic companionship but the first step is not about a relationship, it is about you. Throughout these blogs we are going to cover foundations of relationships, but it starts with singleness. Who are you?



LEARNING ABOUT YOU: THE KEY TO BEING WHO YOU NEED TO BE
"I am good enough, smart enough, and dog on it (!) People like me!."


When you are on a journey of life, perhaps more importantly then discovering the person you may or may not marry is first to discover who you are. Having a foundation of personal identity is the key to living a fulfilled life. Many people go into relationships without any sense of self and so they look at the relationship to define who they are. This becomes dangerous and selfish.

The other thing people do is put together their dream list of what they want in someone else. I think what is more important is first putting together a dream list in what you want to see God do in you first!

Lets put together our very own best version of our self scale that we can compare our self too. What do you want to be for someone?

What defines your own self identity? I have a journaling project for you! Everyone get out a little notebook or open a word document you are going to begin to define your identity!

On the first page write:

____YOUR NAME HERE___ Kick Butt Guide to Dating and Being Single Self Identity Survey

Next page write first question:







HOW WOULD I DESCRIBE MY ABILITY TO LOVE PEOPLE. (STAY SIMPLE AND HONEST BUT GIVE A PARAGRAPH OF STRENGTHS AND WEAKNESSES).

Page two:

HOW DO I DESCRIBE MY STRENGTHS AND WEAKNESSES IN RECEIVING LOVE FROM OTHERS. (AGAIN WRITE A PARAGRAPH OR TWO ABOUT THIS)

Page Three:





Write: WHAT ARE FIVE KEY WORDS TO DEFINE MY CORE STRENGTHS THAT MAKE UP WHO I AM? WHAT IS MY OWN PERSONAL DEFINITION OF THOSE CORE STRENGTHS?

Page Four:

Oh Come on we are only half way done. Keep going this is going to get good! WHAT ARE FIVE KEY WORDS THAT DEFINE MY CORE WEAKNESSES THAT RESIST WHO I AM CALLED TO BE? WHAT IS MY PERSONAL DEFINITION OF EACH WORD?

Page Five:

This is a hard one to do without training or help but try it: WHAT AREAS DO I FEEL CALLED TO AS MY LIFE MISSION. DEFINE 1-5 SENTENCES THAT DESCRIBE WHAT YOUR LIFE PURPOSE OR CALLING IS. (not things like world peace, but actual dreams/goals that make up what you are hoping your life will lead you into).

Page Six

WHAT ARE THE TALENTS YOU HAVE THAT YOU ARE DEVELOPING OR HAVE DEVELOPED THAT YOU WANT YOUR RELATIONSHIP CIRCLE TO KNOW THAT YOU OPERATE IN?

Page Seven:
"
Here is one of the hardest pages. Be honest this is for you!
DO I LIKE MY OWN LOOKS? DESCRIBE WHAT YOU LIKE AND DON'T LIKE. WHAT WOULD I GET DONE TO MYSELF IF I HAD MY OWN EXTREME MAKEOVER?

DO I LIKE MY OWN PERSONALITY? WHAT ARE MY RELATIONAL STRENGTHS THAT COME THROUGH MY PERSONALITY? (like: I am good at making people feel at home. I am good at hello's and goodbye's. I have a good sense of humor. I like my own jokes)

Page Eight:

DO I LIKE MY OWN RELATIONAL ABILITIES?
DO I LIKE THE WAY PEOPLE RELATE TO ME?

Page Nine:





PRETEND LIKE YOU WERE SOMEONE OF THE OPPOSITE SEX WHO WAS INTERESTED IN YOU. LIST ALL OF THE DREAMS THEY MIGHT HAVE FOR SOMEONE. HOW DO YOU MEASURE UP?

Now what's important about answering these types of questions is it's the kind of survey that puts a mirror up to your own self and you start to get to know yourself. Some of you may need a journey of getting to know yourself. This happens best in knowing God and also being in relationship to others.

[Beulah5]

Let me just start out by saying that I am shocked that I am writing this. No really _____insert your name here because I am talking to you____ I am! I never intended to address the subject of dating and relationships. I am not the hopeless romantic that you can find in many a movie. I am ordinary, and relatively inexperienced. Ok Ok really inexperienced, I was born April 26, 1974 and am not married but for good reason (you will find out if you are brave enough to read on in future blogs).



So as I was sitting and pondering one day about why I would never speak at the singles conference that I was seeing an invitation for in my email box, I got a call from a friend. She was in a very awkward relationship that had so many strange dynamics that I had to have an opinion for the sake of her very sanity.

First rule guys, don't ever have an opinion that you don't want to spend some time developing when addressing a member of the opposite gender. Our conversation went on longer then I had ever spent on the phone and I was sure that if cell phones really do produce tumors I was well on my way to receiving one.

What was amazing though, is that my friend did not have a moral and romantic compass guiding her new relationship. Instead she had religion and structure given to her by people who hadn't dated in a million years, if at all. There is nothing better then the woman who instantly knew who she was going to marry in prayer only to be pursued by him the next day and getting married six months later without any trials in the relationship giving you advice on how easy it is to find the right one. "Just pray!" She says. If I weren't a Christian I would have an equally cliché remark back at her but it wouldn't involve clean words.

I think that being single for my whole adult life with only a few real relationships has given me a compassion for single people. I have witnessed most (almost all) of my friends walk through relationships, and most even get married. I have been in weddings too many times to count, and even am kind of not liking the wedding scene anymore because of it unless the person is so close that I can't help be sentimental.
I have also watched terrible break ups, divorce, and dysfunction wrecking peoples faith in true Godly relationships.

This blog series is not an exhaustive manuscript on the subject on being single, dating, and or relationships, instead it is more of a project to challenge your way of thinking and to help you live in a balanced view of your own dating or single pursuit, and also to set right boundaries for your relationships. It is a philosophy document exploring our changing culture and our role in it. There are books that can help you define what you want in a relationship, how to pray relationships in, kiss relationships goodbye, and that sort of thing. This blog series does more than that because it makes fun of, and dismantles many of those books without me even trying! Even better than that, you will hopefully have a much freer way of thinking later.

Why there are some awesome books on dating and relationships in the Christian world, there are also some ridiculous ones that have especially caught the conservative crowd up in a storm of dating bureaucracy that kills true passion. I do want to point out that I am not singling out any books or making fun of others. In other words I am not picking on any one book (well maybe one but it will be so obvious that you will either hate me or love me for it).

So here is the question: How do you set good boundaries for yourself, using the wisdom of others but not being limited by their experience? If every relationship is different, how do you follow your heart in a way that is still protected and yet not legalistic? (Legalism: To do everything by the book (not the Bible) that someone else wrote or spoke to you to tell you how you should think. Legalism violates relationship because the rules become more important then love.)

So here I am writing on a subject that I am sure has better authors in, but you know what? If you choose to read on you will surely find something that you relate to.

I do want to say that I am writing this series for adults not for youth. I believe that youth need their parents to help set these boundaries and a right compass from within in a way that is different then adults. I am not limiting youth, but qualifying the audience that this is first intended for.

I consider it a great privilege to speak into the relational process, because God loves relationships. They are the most beautiful and painful things in our lives.

At the same time, I do want to qualify that I do not do singles conferences, give dating advice to people I am not in relationship to, do premarital or marital counseling, and I will not do dating seminars. This book is one of my only efforts in speaking into this subject outside of my own church as a pastor.

This series is for all of those single people who are on the road to a balanced relationship and are sick of the extremes in both the world and the church. It also may help parents and even those already in a relationship. This is your time! This is your blog series!

Stay tuned for the next installment next MONDAY where we will get into it good! Woot woot! Also you will be able to preorder the dating book very soon!

[livinganewlife]

B - 5 this was an interesting read; however many of his views were based upon Western Culture beliefs and not a global perspective which leads me to believe that not only is his view skewed it is also somewhat unbiblical….

And I say that because if you have a revelation that is only based on Western Civilization……..than really is this biblical as God’s plans for our lives are global and can be applied globally and not just limited to one region……………

[Beulah5]

Thanks for responding sis as always the purpose in posting is to engage in healthy discussions. I am not a marriage/dating kind of ministry person and i shared this articles with some of my christian sisters in the village where i live here in Ghana lol and they seem to agree wholeheartedly.

Pls share with us where u disagree since i may agree or not agree with the author myself however outside of dating or any topic i actually find that God does speak into particular cultures. I believe there is the compass of His word which is applicable however every society differs in norms and i actually find that as believers if we are not speaking or relevant to our culture then we miss our generation.

Trends and philosophies shape each generation as u know and God does speak into that but that is off side.

[stillfocused]

This is very good !! I will have to reread it later...