Post by teebee on Apr 2, 2010 9:14:46 GMT -5
I lurked here for years before I started posting (again) (used to post years ago when this board was on the official Juanita Bynum website) and I think this is truly a great Christian community. You all seem to be really level-headed, thoughtful, and committed Christians, who know the Word and give great advice/opinions. Therefore, I’m going to ask your opinion about a situation that I’m in.
I want to divorce and move on from my husband of 11 years. We have a daughter together who is 9 yrs old. My reason is that I have a lot of anger towards my husband for adultery with multiple women (who produced at least 2 or 3 kids) during the last 10 years of the marriage. We argue a lot, have different educational backgrounds (master’s degree for me / no college at all for him), have different work backgrounds (me=white collar / him=blue collar). We actually probably never should have gotten married to begin with.
My mother just died less than a year ago and I read somewhere that a person should not make major life decisions within 2 years of the death of a close loved one. We are both Christians and were at the time of the marriage. However, even he admits that I live my faith/morals more than he does and this is a source of anger for me as well.
We have gone to counseling numerous times. I have gotten STDs from him. Now I am at the point where every romantic feeling that I once had is gone. I love him but I am not in love with him. I have not been in love for many years, if ever at all. I was one of those single sisters (28 years old at the time) who was “believing God for a mate” and I admit that I moved too fast in getting married. He is the relative of a close family friend who I’ve known for many years and this person introduced us. From the time we met until the time we married was less than 5 months and that was just not enough time for us to know each other well enough.
I have decided and he has agreed that we probably will separate after this school year ends in about 6 weeks. My husband is very apologetic and says that he has not committed adultery since late 2008 or early 2009 and feels that I am not giving him a chance to really prove that he has changed this time. He says that he needs help and I am giving up on him. One of my Christian friends told me that he thinks I should not divorce now because I should wait at least a full 2 years from my mother’s death to be sure that I am not making a bad decision. This friend also says that I can’t now use adultery as a fault for divorce (biblically speaking) because it has now been a year since the last incident and I told him that I would give him another chance.
To be honest, the only reason why I gave him another chance following the last incident is because he became very distraught and literally begged me with tears not to make him leave. I had never seen him like that and thought he might go drink or do something really stupid (he’s a former alcoholic with 20+ years sobriety). He tells me that this break-up is the toughest thing that he has had to deal with since being sober and that he’s determined to keep his sobriety even though this is an extreme difficulty.
I am somewhat torn. I don’t have any wifely feelings toward him any more. I care/love him as a human being and as the father of my daughter. I wish him well and want the best for him but I just don’t want to be his wife anymore. Yet, I’m concerned about what he might do. How far does ministry to a spouse go? I feel that we will both be well-served by a separation b/c it will let me know if I REALLY want to continue life without him and it will give him the opportunity to really take some initiative and seek help for himself and to stand on his own 2 feet. I believe that I can raise our daughter though I want him in her life on a regular basis. The question for you is, “How far does ministry to a spouse go?” and “Is that even the correct way to look at it—ministry to a spouse?”
THANKS
I want to divorce and move on from my husband of 11 years. We have a daughter together who is 9 yrs old. My reason is that I have a lot of anger towards my husband for adultery with multiple women (who produced at least 2 or 3 kids) during the last 10 years of the marriage. We argue a lot, have different educational backgrounds (master’s degree for me / no college at all for him), have different work backgrounds (me=white collar / him=blue collar). We actually probably never should have gotten married to begin with.
My mother just died less than a year ago and I read somewhere that a person should not make major life decisions within 2 years of the death of a close loved one. We are both Christians and were at the time of the marriage. However, even he admits that I live my faith/morals more than he does and this is a source of anger for me as well.
We have gone to counseling numerous times. I have gotten STDs from him. Now I am at the point where every romantic feeling that I once had is gone. I love him but I am not in love with him. I have not been in love for many years, if ever at all. I was one of those single sisters (28 years old at the time) who was “believing God for a mate” and I admit that I moved too fast in getting married. He is the relative of a close family friend who I’ve known for many years and this person introduced us. From the time we met until the time we married was less than 5 months and that was just not enough time for us to know each other well enough.
I have decided and he has agreed that we probably will separate after this school year ends in about 6 weeks. My husband is very apologetic and says that he has not committed adultery since late 2008 or early 2009 and feels that I am not giving him a chance to really prove that he has changed this time. He says that he needs help and I am giving up on him. One of my Christian friends told me that he thinks I should not divorce now because I should wait at least a full 2 years from my mother’s death to be sure that I am not making a bad decision. This friend also says that I can’t now use adultery as a fault for divorce (biblically speaking) because it has now been a year since the last incident and I told him that I would give him another chance.
To be honest, the only reason why I gave him another chance following the last incident is because he became very distraught and literally begged me with tears not to make him leave. I had never seen him like that and thought he might go drink or do something really stupid (he’s a former alcoholic with 20+ years sobriety). He tells me that this break-up is the toughest thing that he has had to deal with since being sober and that he’s determined to keep his sobriety even though this is an extreme difficulty.
I am somewhat torn. I don’t have any wifely feelings toward him any more. I care/love him as a human being and as the father of my daughter. I wish him well and want the best for him but I just don’t want to be his wife anymore. Yet, I’m concerned about what he might do. How far does ministry to a spouse go? I feel that we will both be well-served by a separation b/c it will let me know if I REALLY want to continue life without him and it will give him the opportunity to really take some initiative and seek help for himself and to stand on his own 2 feet. I believe that I can raise our daughter though I want him in her life on a regular basis. The question for you is, “How far does ministry to a spouse go?” and “Is that even the correct way to look at it—ministry to a spouse?”
THANKS
