Men prefer being solo over a bad marriage: study

[nina2]

Men prefer being solo over a bad marriage: study

Full article here:

news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20080602/lf_nm_life/books_bachelors_dc

Hi! I know this is the men's fellowship area so, sorry for invading your territory... again

I just read this article and I thought it was interesting because I did not think that the reason he "discovered" could be the one actually having men think more than twice about getting married.

Some of the things mentioned are true, and I just wanted to run that by you guys and have some feedback maybe?

Thank you...

[keita]

Very Interesting article....

And while we're waiting for our brothers to show up...

"A compelling issue was how many of them had found contentment in a never-married life," he said. "They had created lives full of careers, friends and ambitions. It was not like they walk around all day worried about not being married."

Is this perhaps some/another fundamental difference between men and (a whole bunch of) women?

And what, if anything, does it say/mean that all these men are so "content" being single/unattached, when GOD has said, "It's not good for the man to be alone?"


Btw, and as a woman, I wanted to add that I, too find/found the prospect/reality of a "bad" marriage to be infinitely worse than singleness, whether "good' or "bad".

[nina2]

"A compelling issue was how many of them had found contentment in a never-married life," he said. "They had created lives full of careers, friends and ambitions. It was not like they walk around all day worried about not being married."

“Is this perhaps some/another fundamental difference between men and (a whole bunch of) women?”

While the quote says that “It was not like they walk around all day worried about not being married." it does not say either that those men were living like monks (maybe a bad comparison LOL) and/or not being sexually active... Which could actually be true also for both christian and non christian men.

The fact remains that they found contentment in what they have otherwise and don’t obsess about marriage.
They are not concerned about their biological clock, getting older and still single, they can appreciate their success fully as it is, and, apparently, a successful life does not include marriage?

"And what, if anything, does it say/mean that all these men are so "content" being single/unattached, when GOD has said, "It's not good for the man to be alone?"

It could mean that for today’s man, being alone does not equate not being in a married relationship.
Those men are busy – they have a career – they have a future, goals, things to look forward to – ambitions – and if/when they feel alone, they have friends. So, their life is not all work and no play.
If they are happy as they are, then for those men marriage would have to transcend way beyond that “happiness” that they genuinely seem to have found.

“Btw, and as a woman, I wanted to add that I, too find/found the prospect/reality of a "bad" marriage to be infinitely worse than singleness, whether "good' or "bad".

Amen! ++++

The other day, my daughter, from the height of her 21 years old, told me very seriously “Mom, at this time, I have to tell you, I am just going to have to learn how to be my own best friend.”
And, of course, we talked about it more, but I did know from the start what she meant. And it is far from being a statement of permanent loneliness, solitude and sadness. It’s the opposite.

I do believe that the men described in the article could appreciate being friend (best friend even) with a woman who is on the same level as they are.
Then, maybe, marriage can come into the picture, after friendship and really knowing the person eliminates – to a certain extent – the fear of a bad marriage. Because:
- If you can be a friend, then you are for real
- If you can be a friend, you are not going to walk out on them
- If you can be a friend, you like them for who they are, not what they have
- If you can be a friend, you can be TRUSTED.

That’s not, usually, the way a woman approaches getting to know a man....

(As for the guys not showing up, just keep the light burning in the window! Come on, let’s eat! LOL)

[Beck]

Jun 4, 2008 18:59:04 GMT -5 keita said:

Very Interesting article....

And while we're waiting for our brothers to show up...

"A compelling issue was how many of them had found contentment in a never-married life," he said. "They had created lives full of careers, friends and ambitions. It was not like they walk around all day worried about not being married."

Is this perhaps some/another fundamental difference between men and (a whole bunch of) women?

And what, if anything, does it say/mean that all these men are so "content" being single/unattached, when GOD has said, "It's not good for the man to be alone?"


Btw, and as a woman, I wanted to add that I, too find/found the prospect/reality of a "bad" marriage to be infinitely worse than singleness, whether "good' or "bad".

Very good points sister keita... I think it does touch on issues that differ between a man and a woman. While men deal with being single a bit differently, it does not take into consideration that men would take a good marriage over being single.

I would also say this... God never said it wasnt good for man to be single.... He just simply said its not good for them to be alone.

[giantsdodie]

Men by nature ( and I believe God's design) do not draw their identity from their relationships. We tend to draw that from what we do..Get a bunch of men together and watch them talk. They will tend to talk about sports ( competition ) and what they do for a living ( occupation )..

The first thing God gave man was something to DO.. not a relationship.. so yes as a man I would MUCH rather be by myself than in a bad marriage...

[keita]

Jun 5, 2008 19:39:25 GMT -5 nina2 said:

While the quote says that “It was not like they walk around all day worried about not being married." it does not say either that those men were living like monks (maybe a bad comparison LOL) and/or not being sexually active... Which could actually be true also for both christian and non christian men.

Ahhhhhh, so do y'all think whether or not he's sexually active is a factor in how concerned a man is about not being married?

The fact remains that they found contentment in what they have otherwise and don’t obsess about marriage.
They are not concerned about their biological clock, getting older and still single,...

See now, those particular concerns sound more "female" to me.

So that begs the question: Does not having those concerns make "contentment" more likely and thereby decrease obsessing about marriage?

(I sound like "Carrie Bradshaw", lol! )

they can appreciate their success fully as it is, and, apparently, a successful life does not include marriage?

Excellent question... and food for thought.

The other day, my daughter, from the height of her 21 years old, told me very seriously “Mom, at this time, I have to tell you, I am just going to have to learn how to be my own best friend.”
And, of course, we talked about it more, but I did know from the start what she meant. And it is far from being a statement of permanent loneliness, solitude and sadness. It’s the opposite.

PRAISE GOD!

I think it definitely takes a "whole" woman to be a "good thing" no matter her earthly marital status.

I personally prefer a man who's "got his self together" (as well as "his stuff").

I do believe that the men described in the article could appreciate being friend (best friend even) with a woman who is on the same level as they are.
Then, maybe, marriage can come into the picture, after friendship and really knowing the person eliminates – to a certain extent – the fear of a bad marriage. Because:
- If you can be a friend, then you are for real
- If you can be a friend, you are not going to walk out on them
- If you can be a friend, you like them for who they are, not what they have
- If you can be a friend, you can be TRUSTED.

You brothers go on and correct me if I'm wrong, but I think "trust" is a MAJOR factor for men when they enter intimate relationship with a woman. Contrary to popular belief, I daresay it might even be more important to them than to women and definitely a greater factor than many women appreciate.

That’s not, usually, the way a woman approaches getting to know a man....

TOO TRUE!

(As for the guys not showing up, just keep the light burning in the window! Come on, let’s eat! LOL)

LOL! Girl you already know I'll put those plates in the oven and sit on down to the table.

You know....make preparations, but keep it moving.

'Cause a sista betta go on and eat. She's gotta keep up her strength and, even IF he's coming, he might be walking and may even have a limp, so it could take a while, LOL!

[nina2]

(here... I brought more coffee...

Rewinding a little: "men prefer being solo over a bad marriage"

The article briefly mentioned that some of the single men might have dealt with the divorced parents, broken homes, and that might make them think more than twice about marriage.
It also mentions the financial issues seriously interfering in a marriage relationship.

Now, we could think that, with all the "experts" (including christian ones) in relationships, life coaches, whatever, by now there would be a valid answer to those questions?
So, that could make those "reasons" sound more like "excuses".

But, excuses for what? Could it be very simply fear of commitment? Fear of failure?

Also, a lot of people are more than willing to advise others on what it "takes" to have a good marriage, how to make a marriage "work", how to "spice it up", and on, and on. Fine. But, those men are afraid of ending in a bad marriage. And, the stats on divorce seem to back them up too.

OK. So, what is a MAN's definition of a bad marriage?

[anointedteacher]

I whether stay single than have a bad marriage.... It's not just men....

[nina2]

I understand that it's not only true for men, but also for women and, as it is, I'd make the same choice. However, the reasons for making that choice might be different.

However, the men in question seem to come off as having made that choice once and for all and marriage, so to speak, is not even an option, period.

The fact is that it is also probably true for christian men and women. Being a christian, thank God!, does not prevent from having ambitions, goals, a social life, and being successful all around.

When I asked the question "define a bad marriage", since it seems to be the one hurdle stopping them, it's an honest question.

However, it might be just as difficult to define a "good marriage", it is just something that a lot of people talk about, many experts claim to be very knowledgeable about, and then, there is no really satisfying answer.

It's just like love. If you ask people "what is love?" (on that level of a relationship, between a man and a woman), very seldom do you get a real answer. Most of them may start with "love is when...." and then they'll go on to talk about how love makes them "feel", but that's not the question.

Beck wrote:

I would also say this... God never said it wasnt good for man to be single.... He just simply said its not good for them to be alone.

OK. Why?

[krazeeboi]

OK, time for a little transparency on my part.

I have a fear of getting old, and to me, getting married is the first official step of getting old. That's why I'm not quick to jump the broom. Plus I really, really like my personal freedom. I can just up and decide to go out of town one weekend and don't have to get clearance from anybody. Don't have to deal with a bunch of nagging (forgive me, sistahs...LOL). But when I want some companionship, I can just call up some friends and we can hang out. Maybe that will change when I hit the big 3-0, but right now, that's how it is with me.

[stillfocused]

I read an article that I believe was what this one came from ...the info came from a survey as to why men don't marry..many of the reasons above were stated....yet, this brother shed some light onto this question..he found that many men didn't want to marry because they didn't want to get divorced. And coincidentally as result of the survey the brother did the survey is now in a relationship and is talking about getting married..
I will post the link to magazine later..