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Post by Poetricia (G.A.P.) on Dec 29, 2008 13:12:05 GMT -5
Hey guys, help me settle something that came up over the weekend at my church between two sisters:
Mary Jane has had a crush on a certain Minister in another city for YEARS. At joint services, they say hello and nothing more. They are not friends, nor do they even travel in the same circles, have the same friends, or serve on any committiees together. And yet her crush is now a decade or more old.
Susie Q doesn't know this man from a can of paint, but he knows her, goes out of his way to say hello and most recently after she ministered during a service, made a point of saying hello, holding her hand for that extra few seconds and kissed her on the cheek. (many saints take the scripture greet each other with a holy kiss to heart!! lol). Susie Q was quite taken with this action and is now wondering if he's interested or not.
Problem? Mary Jane and Susie Q are both sisters in Christ, very close, like best friends. Mary Jane was not at this particular service but Susie Q told her about it that night when she got home. Mainly because a year could go by with no mention of this guy and then Mary Jane could see him somewhere and begin her crush talk again. Susie Q thought it was the right thing to do to tell her.
They had a talk and Mary Jane made it clear that she thinks Susie Q would be wrong to say yes, if this minister asks her out. They talked at length and she would only relent when asked "what if he starts chasing me, what if he really thinks I could be the one?" Then Mary Jane conceded that that would be a different story, but for now, hands off, interest off, "taste not touch not handle not" (lol- that in quotes was just some scripture humor thrown in by yours truly).
What do you guys think about this? Is Mary Jane being fair? Additionally, Mary Jane had a crush on another guy, an Elder for almost a decade that she really only admired from afar that Susie Q really thought was handsome, serious about the Lord, and talented. They (He and Susie Q) actually conversed a few times, via email in person and phone, but Susie Q backed off of expressing an interest because of Mary Jane's crush! Now it may be happening again.
Is Susie Q bound by some unwritten code not to accept any dates or express any interest in anyone Mary Jane that has a crush, ever?
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Post by kitty on Dec 29, 2008 14:04:11 GMT -5
Hey Gap,
That is a really difficult question.... I think it is really about how close the two women are and what their goals are in life. If I was "best friends" with a woman and she had a deep seated crush on someone and that man showed interest in me, I wouldn't go out with him. Not because of a "code", not because it is the "moral" thing to decide but only because my friendship with my "best friend" would mean MORE to me.
On the flip side... I think we as women and as friends should love each other enough to want to see each other happy. I do think that Mary Jane is being selfish with ask Susie Q not to go out with the man if he asks her out.
Now I know that I personally have a code in which I would never date any of my friends ex boyfriends or husbands! And I know without a doubt that my closest freinds would never date any of my ex's either....
But again love and respect for one another should come into play....
For example...
I have a good friend with whom I have known since the age of 10. So by the time we got to college we had already been friends for 10 years or more. Well we attended different colleges but she ended up liking a guy I dated for a brief time. She had no idea that I ever knew him or even liked him since she was away at school in a different state. The guy in question had no idea that we were friends either... Soooooo....
Because of my love and respect for my friend... and because I knew the guy in question was nice and honorable. I SAID NOTHING.... I said nothing because I KNEW if I told my friend that went on a date with this guy that she would have immediately backed away from him because of her friendship with me... Yet there was nothing going on between me and this guy except for the one date... so I held my peace and moved on...
Kitty
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Post by Poetricia (G.A.P.) on Dec 30, 2008 8:53:43 GMT -5
I posted this same scenario on another message board in a women's only folder and about 15 women so far have responded.
I was quite surprised to find that 100% of them all agreed that it was Mary Jane that was out of order and unreasonable.
Wondering if that's maturity or wisdom or what. Cause as one of them said, no one should dibs on another person, and several said are we in high school or what. I laughed at that.
Their responses made me wonder if perhaps Mary Jane has a 'if I can't have him no one I know can have him either!' syndrome?
And what of people in the same church? What if it's God will for your best friend and your ex to be married? Will you stand on some unspoken code thereby standing in the way of God's will? And don't say God wouldn't allow it. Everyone we've dated and didn't marry is someone else's husband (if they're meant to marry). Just like we are.
What if God showed you that YOU were meant to be with one of your girlfriend's ex's? And you knew (and he knew too) that it was God's will.
Would it be different then?
Things that make you go hmmmmmm.
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Post by vin on Dec 30, 2008 10:47:26 GMT -5
Mary Jane is trippin. Because she likes someone she's telling her friend to back off? The man is showing interest in who he's interested in and like it or not MJ has to deal with it. Even if Susie did "back off", that wouldn't make brother interested in MJ. It would be one thing if MJ and the man were actually dating but they're not.
Susie Q is allowing herself to be maniupulated and controlled.
This is a somewhat toxic relationship and Susie needs to grow a spine. For some reason she feels like she has to do what MJ says. That's a whole nother book full of issues that Susie has.
No real friend would ask a friend not to persue a relationship with a man who could be the one God has chosen for her. But whether he is or not that's a trifling thing to do and it seems to be a root of jealousy there.
I've seen a situation like this here with two of my friends (one is an ex friend now). When the one saw the man speaking to the sister...(which he does with hugs and an occasional kiss on the cheek...he greets me the same way) she made it a point to tell her that the Lord had showed her that he was her husband. Mind you the man hadn't shown any interest in her whatsoever (OMG) the things she did ...
He AIN'T her husband....and the worst part was when she told her that, the sister started backing off, almost acting funny toward the brother. It's just silliness and jealousy and if my friendship means you don't want me to be happy or have even a chance at a relationship then you're not much of a friend. I dont' care how long we've been friends. Because this probably isn't the first time she has allowed herself to be CONTROLLED by this spirit.
just my opinion of course.
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Post by stillfocused on Dec 31, 2008 20:28:53 GMT -5
I also agree that Mary Jane is being unfair..but, also unreasonable. Because a true friend would rejoice in knowing that a man she is interested in has extended himself to her friend. And while she's acting crazy..just maybe he's building a friendship with her friend to find out more about her. Anyway, even though I would get a little bummed I would not forbid my friend from seeing him if he were to pursue. Because any man that I know and believe to serious about the Lord who has chose to be with my friend would get my blessing for the very things that I would see in him for myself. And if Mary Jane has spent 20 yrs having crushes on Elders and Ministers then she in all seriousness needs to seek the Lord to find out why. She maybe giving off some signals that she's not aware of. And allow the Lord to heal her in the this area..because I find it ironic that both of these men have been called to preach the gospel.
Susie Q did the right thing in telling her friend..but, she's not obligated to back off..now other the hand my friends and I did have a unspoken rule. which was you would date or go steady with someone who was ex-boyfriend. A friend years I had to tell my son..you don't go with anyone that your friends used to date or go steady with. By the way Mary Jane needs to get a hold of
PB Wilson's book YOUR KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR..excellent reading material for unmarried and married alike..
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Post by Poetricia (G.A.P.) on Jan 2, 2009 6:45:47 GMT -5
Thanks guys for your feedback. I think there's a world of difference between being pursued by, interested in, and/or dating someone your girlfriend has a crush on and someone someone she previously dated.
The fact that this man is only someone she has admired from afar all these years, never even been friends with, served with in the kingdom, or even traveled in the same circles is what makes it so crazy that it's somehow wrong if HE begins checking out one of her friends and wants to get to know her better.
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Post by And Such Were Some Of You on Jan 2, 2009 7:40:35 GMT -5
Thanks guys for your feedback. I think there's a world of difference between being pursued by, interested in, and/or dating someone your girlfriend has a crush is totally different than someone she previously dated. The fact that this man is only someone she has admired from afar all these years, never even been friends with, served with in the kingdom, or even traveled in the same circles is what makes it so crazy that it's somehow wrong if HE begins checking out one of her friends and wants to get to know her better. my thoughts exactly! |
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Post by vin on Jan 2, 2009 11:51:05 GMT -5
Thanks guys for your feedback. I think there's a world of difference between being pursued by, interested in, and/or dating someone your girlfriend has a crush on and someone someone she previously dated. The fact that this man is only someone she has admired from afar all these years, never even been friends with, served with in the kingdom, or even traveled in the same circles is what makes it so crazy that it's somehow wrong if HE begins checking out one of her friends and wants to get to know her better. Right! |
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Post by kitty on Jan 2, 2009 13:40:34 GMT -5
Gap,
Your absolutely right... all of us have discussed things from the stand point of if this man had actually had a relationship with Mary Jane. He doesn't...
He never did... That's also why is seems very strange that she is trying to block her friend from having a relationship with this guy since it has been YEARS since she had this crush...
I think that is an important spect of this situation... She has had plenty of time to get over this crush or at least find someone else to like during this time period...
By the way Gap... is anything know about whether or not Mary Jane has liked anyone else or dated anyone else during this time period? She certainly has had enough time to get over the Crush...
Kitty
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Post by anointedteacher on Jan 2, 2009 21:44:57 GMT -5
A grown woman should not be having a crush on a man who don't even know she alive... and shouldn't be so quick to tell others who she like. So if the man start dating someone else she won't feel embarrass or rejected. Mary Jane is more than selfish, she is insecured and jealous.
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Post by nina2 on Jan 5, 2009 6:59:56 GMT -5
I don't know how old the women in this scenario are, but I agree there is both a control and a maturity issue.
Some things happen when we are young, re teens, and there's the crush factor and maybe some friendly - or not - competition, and it's all part of growing up.
As adults. and especially if it's a situation that keeps repeating itself, I don't think that a "friend" should always have the last word in those private matters. At some point, some red flags should come up and blaring sirens, and some very legitimate questions should be asked...
A crush is NOT a relationship, and that's the bottom line to me.
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Post by kitty on Jan 5, 2009 13:34:45 GMT -5
Nina,
I agree this situation does really seem to be about maturity... as you mentioned the "teen years" I recalled an incident that kept on "reoccuring" when I was a 'preteen". I had a so called friend who always seemed to develop and interest in any guy who liked me.
Then she would go at great lengths to "break us up" or insert herself in the relationship some how. Claiming that the guy was coming on to her or claiming to "know something that I didn't" about the guy.
This went on for years actually... I slowly watched her behavior go on from bad to worse and saw her do this same thing to others until adulthood... Then I finally got the "hint" that this was a character flaw this individual had when after my 2nd year of college she questioned me a little to detailed about a guy I was dating at the time...Someone she didn't know nor has ever met or seen...
She asked me detailed questions about his looks, major, etc until trying to find a indirect way to meet him... She claimed she could get him a "summer job" and told me to give my boyfriend her number and to tell him to call her... Of course I had the good sense to see through her at point and never called her again...
Sometimes we need to realize when other people are simply bad for us... In this case/situation... This woman may need to wake up and realize that needs to either put some space between her and Mary Jane... Or not discuss or personal love life anymore
Kitty
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Post by krazeeboi on Jan 5, 2009 21:38:02 GMT -5
OK, I'm gonna need Mary Jane to stop with all these 10+ year crushes. This isn't like a CD that earns interest over time. Seriously, she's putting an undue burden on her friend. What next, Mary Jane is going to get mad when Susie Q starts talking to Mary Jane's boyfriend from 6th grade?
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Post by auneeqsol on Jan 16, 2009 12:39:29 GMT -5
Mary Jane needs to come to terms with some things in her life, and stop living in a fantasy world. They are both grown, and it makes no sense to crush on someone for 10 years without them even knowing it. Now if they were engaged or something then years might go by to develop a more close and stable relationship. But I think Susie Q should go for what she knows and follow the leading of the Lord. Thei guy just might be her Boaz!
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Post by vin on Jan 16, 2009 18:01:41 GMT -5
Mary Jane is the worst kind of friend. Tyra calls it a FRENEMY.
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