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Post by kitty on Feb 23, 2009 20:28:51 GMT -5
hello guys,
Ask yourselves this question and think about the first answer that comes to mind? "Are you a good Christian?"
There are so many reasons to ask one's self this question but I just want to share why this question went through my mind today...
Lately I have found that many people around me seem to take me for granted. Specifically take my presence or friendships for granted.
Although I am not sure why... I have found that some people find it easy to be snappy, disrespectful and occasionally mean to me when they are having a bad day or going through some "issues".
Now trust me when I say that I am not a door mat nor do I suffer with low self esteem that would give people reason to believe that I am one that easily take a lot of junk from others. But over the years I have learned to temper my spirit and turn the other cheek. I don't feel the need to return harsh words or attitudes... So maybe I am thinking this is one reason why people feel so comfortable unleshing their negativity towards me. I guess they always feel that I will forgive them and in most cases I do...
Yet recently I have found that towards some people my heart has really turned a bit cool... Not that I dislike them. But I just don't feel the need to allow them a place in my life. This happens to be the case with two people who I was friends with many years ago in my teens and early 20's who went on to decide that my friendship wasn't of value to them. They showed this by cutting off communication, not returning phone calls or sending unfriendly thoughts and messages through other people in our same social group...
Now some 10 years later... with the inventions of facebook, myspace and classmates.com many of these types of people are starting to pop up again and are reaching out to me but I have no desire what so ever to be in contact with them again.
One person who became aware that I was reluctant to be in touch with her even typed out a detailed email and asked that someone forward it to me...
I declined to told that people to just say she hadn't communicated with me... Bad I know... I asked someone to lie...
So then I asked myself... as a Christian... Am I required to be open to these types of people again? Would it be better simply to tell the truth that I don't want to be bothered because I don't think they have changed? Am I being a bad Christian with my behavior?
Anybody else been in similar situations?
Kitty
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Post by And Such Were Some Of You on Feb 23, 2009 20:33:13 GMT -5
Kitty,
On what grounds are you stating that they have not changed?
How are you defining a good Christian? A bad Christian?
Thanks,
Monica (ASWSOY)
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Post by And Such Were Some Of You on Feb 23, 2009 21:04:30 GMT -5
Since I am not really sure what is meant by a "good Christian" I will say that I continue to do my best to live my life as the Bible tells me to. Do I fall short, indeed! However, by God's grace and definitely His mercy - He lifts me up to start again.
I cannot say whether or not you are not doing the right thing by not wishing to have any contact with them because I don't know what grounds you are saying that the person has not changed.
I am in a similar situation. Over the weekend I "found" an old friend on Facebook. It was exciting because I haven't spoken with this person for at least 7 years (maybe 10 - can't remember). Anyways, I gave her my cell phone number to call me. Well since Saturday (which is the day I 'found" her), she has been sending me jokes via text msg. Nothing wrong with sending jokes per se, however so far all of the jokes have vulgar language in them. Now, I don't want to talk to her. However, I plan on telling her that as a Christian I do not wish to hear or read such language and would like it if she excludes me from her forwards and the use of such language should we ever speak on the telephone.
The most important thing kitty is that you check YOUR motives for not wanting to speak with the individual(s). Are you holding on to any unforgiveness, bitterness and/or resentment towards the individual and the situation.
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Post by kanyon on Feb 23, 2009 22:08:38 GMT -5
hello guys, Ask yourselves this question and think about the first answer that comes to mind? "Are you a good Christian?" There are so many reasons to ask one's self this question but I just want to share why this question went through my mind today... Lately I have found that many people around me seem to take me for granted. Specifically take my presence or friendships for granted. Although I am not sure why... I have found that some people find it easy to be snappy, disrespectful and occasionally mean to me when they are having a bad day or going through some "issues". Now trust me when I say that I am not a door mat nor do I suffer with low self esteem that would give people reason to believe that I am one that easily take a lot of junk from others. But over the years I have learned to temper my spirit and turn the other cheek. I don't feel the need to return harsh words or attitudes... So maybe I am thinking this is one reason why people feel so comfortable unleshing their negativity towards me. I guess they always feel that I will forgive them and in most cases I do... Yet recently I have found that towards some people my heart has really turned a bit cool... Not that I dislike them. But I just don't feel the need to allow them a place in my life. This happens to be the case with two people who I was friends with many years ago in my teens and early 20's who went on to decide that my friendship wasn't of value to them. They showed this by cutting off communication, not returning phone calls or sending unfriendly thoughts and messages through other people in our same social group... Now some 10 years later... with the inventions of facebook, myspace and classmates.com many of these types of people are starting to pop up again and are reaching out to me but I have no desire what so ever to be in contact with them again. One person who became aware that I was reluctant to be in touch with her even typed out a detailed email and asked that someone forward it to me... I declined to told that people to just say she hadn't communicated with me... Bad I know... I asked someone to lie... So then I asked myself... as a Christian... Am I required to be open to these types of people again? Would it be better simply to tell the truth that I don't want to be bothered because I don't think they have changed? Am I being a bad Christian with my behavior? Anybody else been in similar situations? Kitty Could this whole thing be a distraction for you kitty? I mean, how much are these acquaintances a part of your life and vision now? The answer to that should tell you how much time you should spend with this. |
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Post by kitty on Feb 24, 2009 16:30:42 GMT -5
Hey Guys, And Such and Kanyon... Thanks for responding... I think you both present me with good questions to ask myself... Kanyon I'll start with your question since it is easier to answer. Neither of these people are a part of my life right now. However in the past they were a big part of my daily life being that I was close friends with both of them. And since they were such a big part of my life before that's why I am concerned about opening the door to them again. Not because i had unGodly behavior around them... But because both relationships were really draining on me. It was requiring that I be really giving of myself in a way that I have no desire to do now. I do realize that being a good friend mean that i will be patient, kind and supportive. But i just feel as if these people are seeking me more because they want support... I sense they are in need of a good friend...but not really interested in being one... From facebook I find a lot of people have gone though a lot of changes... many people are unhappy with their lives, some are getting a divorce. In some ways I can't relate because I haven't "been there and done that..." I feel that I'm just begining to pull my adult life together the way God intended... So I am really content to focus on that right now. To sum it all up I would say this... I am the person these people would call when life got bad or rough... But NOT the person they would call when they had good news or joy. I just feel like it you don't have the good times to share with me... or be there for my bad times...I'm just not interested in extending myself that way towards them at this time. Which brings me to this question... When I ask myself what would Jesus do? I think...He would be open and take the call and be friendly... But in my gut I just don't want to do it! LOL Sometimes I think Hey I have God that has gotten me through in a way that they don't... why not show that I am grateful and be there for others... But I just don't wanna right now. I so that sounds like a brat but that's just how I feel. So guys are there times when you think or know that you should put others before you...Or you know that your not being Godly... But it's not really "Big" itn't not really "public". But it's private... like this  Kitty |
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Post by nina2 on Mar 13, 2009 6:00:57 GMT -5
I don't think - just my opinion - that it is about being a "good" christian or even just a "good" or "bad" person.
Imo, some relationships are toxic, period. For some, it's obvious right away, others it takes time to come to the light. However, one thing is for sure, it's that for any loving relationship - and friendship is one - it is a two way street...
From my personal experience, there are just things that we learn along the way. It doesn't have to make us bitter or even suspicious and/or defensive. We just learn, and we become more discerning and wiser about them. Sometimes we miss, and make the same mistake, and get the same results and eventually, it registers! :-) Sometimes, we just know "nah... been there, done that" and walk away.
No matter how close you were in the past, there has been a big hiatus in the actual relationship and communications. During that time, you changed.. Regardless if they did changed too - everybody changes, some for the best and some for the worst! - they might be looking/expecting to find the "you" they used to know. And, possibly, you are still that person with those qualities, only you might have matured and not be willing to let others abuse and use that part of you and in the process make you miserable.
And, it is up to you to evaluate that, and to decide how much of yourself you are willing to invest, at this time in your life, in those "friendships". If there was a long breakdown in the relationship, you might want to take the time to get "re-acquainted" with your friends, and find a way to stress the facts about you that matter the most to you. It does not have to be in an agressive way, just a casual way to say where you are standing, again, at this time, as a whole person.
I think that you should enjoy knowing that you have been a good friend to them, enough that they would want to resume a relationship with you. And, if you decided to "give it a try" and your doubts about them are confirmed, then just leave it alone. Some people are in our life only for a season, no matter how long or short the season. Through that, we learn, we grow, we "become", it's not all negative when you really think about it.
Then, stick with what and who you know is good for you: God! I am not trying to be funny, I would not dare with something like that. If you are focused, and if you know that you are making progress and in God's will and on the right path, why would you let the little foxes come in and ruin the vineyard??
That's part of the lesson, if you want to call it that, that you might have learnt through what went on before. But, it might not be all of it. As an adult, again, christian or not, it is up to you to decide how far people can go and make you feel bad about yourself, one way or the other. It's up to you to decide "this far and no more!" or "enough is enough!"
Maybe it's a matter of enough water under the bridge or not.... When you look back, and you think about the feelings that you experienced then, if they still "get to you" and make you re-question personal issues that you have already dealt with, you have to turn it around and see how to handle it in a positive way.
One way to do that is - and it looks like you already did - just to face it, everything that happened, and if there is still resentment and negative feelings towards those persons, just forgive (again if you have to!) and choose to let go once and for all.
If you experience any of the old negative feelings about yourself, and you still need healing in that area, do allow God to complete that work in you, set you free and take you to a higher level. It's not about them, it's about you....
Just to lighten up a bit, when I call one of my children a "brat", they turn around and tell me "it takes one to know one". LOL So, maybe you are being bratty, and maybe it's ok for now. Maybe you have enough discernment to know that you are not ready yet to go back into that and you still need to work on some things on your own. And that's great, as long as you know and it does not cause a major set back on how you feel about yourself. You have the right to be you, the you He made you.
I had the "martyr syndrom" for a long time, before being saved and after being saved... God had to teach me a lot about myself, about others, how to "manage" my feelings, relationships, and basically not to be a "people pleaser". It doesn't mean not knowing how to love and being afraid of loving. It just means that I had to learn how to love myself, first, and not to expect to be validated by others and their "feedback" to know who and what I was, and why.
God loves us just the way we are. That's why I still love that old song that they used to sing during altar calls: Just As I Am...
It's not not being godly, not as long as we acknowledge him through it all. If it is private, and it's him showing us something about ourself through that, it might be uncomfortable and even painful, but at least, we are in good hands and we know it will all work for good.
Just my two cents...
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Post by Beulah5 on Mar 18, 2009 13:17:48 GMT -5
Interesting post... will be back
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Post by kitty on Mar 18, 2009 20:22:56 GMT -5
Bee,
I look forward to your response....
In fact just today I got contacted by another old friend on facebook. This person was at one point my best friend in 4th grade...
But honestly enough as time went by and we became adults she revealed some things to me about her life that were a little too deep for me. They were like burdens for me to handle which I just couldn't... So as we got older I slowly stepped back from the friendship. She lives in a different state so it was easy to do... That's a bit hard to do on facebook. I am really starting to regret my involvement on that site.
Again... at times i feel guilty for doing so... I know she needs a good friend but I simply don't want to extend myself to other people right now.... I feel like I am in transition and a large part of it is following God's will for my life. Like moving... I may not have known all of God's reasons for having me move. But I can say that it has protected me from others, especially members of my family.
Recently i had to have an emergency surgery... I was in the hospital for 6 days... I still don't quite feel well and need to go for a check up in a matter of days.
But one of the things I really have come to accept is that right now... My whole body is compromised as I am healing. I literally can't deal with extra stress because it is truly affecting my body as well as my spirit.
But right now because of that realization I don't feel as guilty staying away from people. For example... the weekend that I got released I got a call from some relatives who were checking upon me and my mother who came to visit me in Philly. While I was talking on one line I got a call from one of my aunts. My mother asked me if I wanted to take the call... By the grace of God I said no, I would talk to her later...
Would you guys believe she was actually calling to "tell me off about not spending time with and taking care of my grandmother"?!
Before you ask... no... I have no real idea why this was coming up since I am currently a fulltime student that lives in another state and my grandmother has 5 count em 5 adult kids!
But even if she wanted to have a word with me... why would she choose weekend I get out of the hospital... still sick having gone through 2 surgical procedures?!
Honestly I see it as an attack from the devil... But I am more aware then ever before that in sickness we need to stay close to God... I think it was by His grace and mercy I didn't take that call... It would have affected me negatively.
Kitty
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Post by anointedteacher on Mar 18, 2009 21:18:24 GMT -5
I've ran into several High School friends... all but one, I haven't seen in over 30 years!!! One guy I also went to college... he used to have an afro, but now he bald lol... it been 28 years...
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Post by true on Mar 18, 2009 21:28:23 GMT -5
I agree it's not a good or bad Christian thing. You just don't want to be bothered with certain people. Personally I would have read the letter from the woman who wanted to contact you. She may have been saying that she was sorry for whatever.
But none of this in my opinion makes you a non-good person.
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Post by vin on Mar 18, 2009 22:21:49 GMT -5
Hey TRUE! I've missed you!
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Post by anointedteacher on Mar 19, 2009 0:27:29 GMT -5
If you love buying ppl lunch and dinner.... alway helping .... of course they will miss U... The ppl I ran into was never really my friends, except one... they were associate and classmates. We all graduated from East Orange High in 77, one in 78.
Kitty... all u have to do is keep those ppl as friend on facebook... but keep your distance... .
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Post by vin on Mar 19, 2009 9:07:24 GMT -5
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Post by anointedteacher on Mar 19, 2009 10:44:48 GMT -5
AT. I don't understand why you used my post to make your point. As if your comment is about me. I would prefer you not do that. An accident ... it was suppose to be True post LOL... |
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Post by kitty on Mar 19, 2009 18:09:06 GMT -5
Hey Guys,
The problem with things like Facebook is that people will want to take things offline...they will want your phone number, want to keep watch as to when you will be in their neck of the woods etc... i hate to say it but I lie all the time about how much and when I go back to chicago... I just don't want to see certain people. I know it's not a good idea.
I think for me the best deal may be to limit and stop being on facebook altogether. I do really hate that because it did allow me to keep intouch with some very close friends and family members daily.
I have been told that there are ways to screen what is revealed or sent to everyone as far as comments to be made. I may look into that...
But ultimately I think things like Facebook has made me more aware of just how important having a church home and Christian fellowship is...
I do truly love you guys! Yes i know that times we fuss and fight on this site. But seriously... I take that serval times over just being in the world...
Kitty
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