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Post by kitty on May 26, 2009 14:36:53 GMT -5
Hey Guys,
I know it has been a long time since I wrote anything about my process of being single. But I will say that this year I have learned a lot so far...
But the most important thing I think I have learned is this... There is no way around a difficut process... But by having faith in God we can reach the end of the process and succeed...
What do I mean by this.... That for us that are single and would like to be married. There is no way around the fact that 90% of the time finding out who to marry will be a painful process.
I think it is because we want to avoid this pain that so many of us want God to tell us ahead of time who the person is... Yet iironiclly some of the most hurt people I know are those that were waiting too long for something that wasn't true. Then ignored all that God may have been showing them in the natural because it was too painful to acknowledge... then tried to hide from this hurt by clinging on to a false word... in many cases not knowing it's false.... but clearing wasting time...
So today I m acknowledging this....
The road to my husband and marriage may be rocky, at times confusing and with out a doubt painful... But I just have to trust God and keep forward...
I face issues in my current relationship right now. I am in prayer about it. In the past I would ahve been tempted to want to pray that God tell me what's gonna happen ahead of time. But because of my pst experiences where I thought I heard God and didn't..... I won't make the same mistake....
I know that I have to walk this out.... I have to talk and reason with this person. I have to pray for them, I have to follow God's word according to the bible in regrds to my behavior towards him... and I have to wait to see if things work out...
Some times I think THIS may be the hardest WAIT of ALL!
Not waiting for God to bring someone into your life... But the wait to see if>>>> IF>>> This person is really the one God sent. And this wait can be long! It can be weeks, months or a year or 2 depending on your courtship...
So right now guys... I'm WAITING!!!
And you know what? It's HARD! It's involves actual emotional work in person... talking, spending time and working things out. I'm sure God is active... But I don't always know what He's doing....
But regardless... today I had to acknowledge this one thing... No matter what I do... this process will be difficult so I may as well get ovr that! LOL
Kitty
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Post by livinganewlife on May 26, 2009 15:14:10 GMT -5
Kitty, I really want my response to be beneficial to you and in no means hurt you or belittle your process…..and you could very well be just venting but I really want to share with you………..
With that being said I understand your pain, I understand the process and I have been there so many times in my life…….but to encourage you I want you to know that there is not a script for God…....God does things in His own time and in His own way……..we may not always know the end result but as children of God we should always have a peace concerning what the Lord has spoken / shown us during or process……. Because we know the end result is the best result……
Going through a transformation is difficult and it does take altering of the heart, mind, body and soul to transform from singleness to marriage……however I want you to really think and soul search regarding your situation because one thing I have found with God and that is no matter what the trial or the circumstances there is always PEACE concerning God……
TRUE STORY: I have a friend who was in a similar situation as you, and I think on the old JB board I posted her story….…
God had shown her in a dream / vision and through prayer with confirmation that she was going to marry a professional basketball player…..that dream was over 7 years ago and the BB player had went on with his life and she had too really giving little thought to this BB player…she was still single, praying, dating and yet believing that every good man she met was the one….
for years this girl went through heartache after heartache….well after her last break up she was really depressed and decided to eat in this side street diner (which happens to be the same diner she met this BB player in years ago) and on the day she decided to eat at the diner she ran into him…..
now a lot had transpired since they’ve last seen each other……he was still a “baller baller” with a dying wife and she was still saved, single and brokenhearted….…..well they reacquainted with each other and renewed their friendship......... and the wife has since died of cancer………
the girl remained his friend, stood by him through prayer and just being a major supporter to him…….well she started praying for his situation and praying for him to be saved…..and to shorten the story the retired NBA player is now saved and feels as if the Lord has called him to ministry and is desiring to marry my friend…
So I say that to say that when I talked to her and asked how she dealt being friends with him giving his circumstances (believe me it was dramatic he was dating other people and had no interest in my friend romantically)……... she said that no matter how foolish the relationship seemed she had an unsurpassed peace and that she always knew that he was her husband…..
So to end this story I would like to say that not only will you know if he is the right one for you…he will know it also……….not only that and God knows I hate to say this…….but God did not give my friend a divorced man (even though legally we can divorce and remarry) but God gave my friend a widower which confirms to me that God is still a God of order…….and that visions and prophecies from God will always all line up with his Word….
So sister be encouraged and just know that God got the end results for you!
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Post by kitty on May 26, 2009 16:00:32 GMT -5
Living, I had a past word/dream about another individual that I honestly believed was the person for me to marry. I was given a vision of this person ahead of time... in the vision I was told this person was my husband... I didn't want him in the dream but we eventually met and dated.... but he always had crtain issue with me. At times I did honestly avoid spending time with him. But the bottom line is this... Last Aug he got married to someone else... And you want to know what is weird? I did actually have a dream 6 months ahead of time of him telling me that he was going to marry someone else. When I had the dream I thought it was simply a way of God warning me to get myself together and spend more time with him. I didn't or maybe I just did a little too late... But the bottom line I came around inplenty of time for him not to marry someone else.... I don't think it would be a good idea for me to sit around and wonder if God will still bring us together... to me that is a sin... it is desiring something that is no mine which is I recall is a sin. I have no desire to do that... Really I don't... I asked God to take my feelings away for that person and He has AMEN!!! I really truly have moved on... I am looking to make my life work with somone else now... And Guess What Living.... Again... I dreamed about this person before I met him twice! 2 days in a row... literally a week and half before I met him on a plane. I didn't get any direction about him in the dream... I didn't even recall dreaming about him when I met him. It wasn't brought back to my mind until I went to pray to God about him... Sooooo.... What does that mean?  I have 2 diffrent dreams about 2 different guys? I don't know... Maybe God is giving me a choice... maybe I am stil hearing from lying spirits, maybe this is just all a coincidence and I just happen to have a gift of prophesy that I have yet to learn how God wants me to use.... Maybe one dream is false and the other one is true... after all in the bible God does give people dreams twice to let thm know it is of Him... I didn't dream about the othr guy twice... Either way Living... I do appreciate that you shared the story and experience of the first woman who was dealing with the ball player... I don't know what to say about that... But I know that I think it could be a bad idea for other women to go around believing that if the man they believe is God's choice marries someone else.... then that person is gonna die or any other event that would call an end to their marriage... And either way...what I was saying before still stands... This process of finding out who we are to marry is not easy... Regardless of if one is standing on a word or not... It certainly doesn't sound like an easy process for the young woman that you mention... Plus it's dangerous to spend years of one's life that way... I promise never to do that. Especially for a relationship that is not working... Now if by some wild chance that kind of case is still really God... I personally have my doubts... I'm sure God understands we are still following His word when we throw our hands up and decide we probably heard from the devil... because in 95% of the cases... We probably had... or had a deceitful heart. In this case... I have told God to show me His will in my circumstances involving the man I am currently dating... We have talked about getting married... The difficult things I have to consider are things like debt, being step parent to a very young child... one we would probably seek custody for... what our finances/money/income would have to look like in order for me to have a child... would his current condo be enough space for all of us... will he like my cooking... will I be neat enough for him... how much longer can he handle not being sexually active? These are the issues at hand... Still not easy see! LOL Kitty |
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Post by livinganewlife on May 26, 2009 16:40:36 GMT -5
Kitty in no way am I advocating waiting around for wives to die or any of that foolishness...as a matter of fact if the man has gone on let him GO!
My friend had actually let go of the dream, prophecy and vision she had for this man and had moved on several times over.....
so please don't get me wrong...............as I am not trying to start a trend based upon one person's testimony......
My story even though it probably wasn't conveyed properly was more about God's plan for our lives and how things turn out when we allow God to handle our business and quit trying to decipher things on our own......
Also, another part of the testimony is the Peace of God this child possessed while going through with this man......
This girl walked around here glowing all the time (honestly she just had a different demeanor about her after he came into her life).......
The beginning of her dating / marriage process was not easy as she dated several men before reconnecting with BB.....but it is the end of her story that excites me...
So for that I say you never know how God will work things out....
sidenote: I want to make is very clear that I was in no way telling young ladies that God will remove people out of your life to put the right person there.....Trust me the wife dying had nothing to do with this girl or the circumstances.......... the wife dying only shows TO ME that God still is a God of order and that he didn't bring her a divorced husband but he brought her a man that was free and clear to remarry on all accounts (both biblically and legally).....
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Post by Poetricia (G.A.P.) on May 26, 2009 18:17:45 GMT -5
living i agree with your comments, that God will give us peace about a thing - he is not the author of confusion - and also that he will tell both parties. so many times we hear of one party declaring and decreeing and dreaming and the other party has no idea whatsoever that they are supposedly the other person's spouse. that is confusion, and that is not of god.
kitty, i really just want to talk a little about the title of your post, "If we could accept this one thing," and the sentence that seems to be the main theme of your first post "There is no way around the fact that 90% of the time finding out who to marry will be a painful process."
i think that for those who are seeking to marry in christ, acknowledging him in all our ways, trusting him to direct our paths, delighting ourselves in the lord, seeking first his kingdom, using our gifts and talents to further his kingdom, that if there is any pain in the process of finding a husband/wife, it's the pain conforming to the image of christ, the pain of not walking after the flesh but after the spirit, the pain of being able to drink from the cup assigned to us, the pain of 'not my will but thy will be done' then yes, this is a painful process. but like someone once said, no pain, no gain.
edited to add:
there is also pain on the flip side, pain when we don't seek god but follow our own hearts, the scriptures say for the heart is deceitful, pain when we'd rather seek our own mind that the mind of christ, pain when we get involved with people who we know are not saved, sanctified, and striving to live holy, pain when we refuse to pay attention to the warning signs, flashing lights, and dinging bells that say he/she is not the one, pain when we fall into temptation, for the scripture says let no man say when he is tempted that he is tempted of god, for we are all drawn away of our own lusts, pain when simply put, we insist on doing things our way and not god's way.
so yes, there can be pain either way, but i'd prefer the former pain to the latter in the examples above, though i have experienced the pain in both areas myself.
and the thing that i have learned more than anything is that no matter how many times i got it wrong and thought something was god and it wasn't that has never stopped me from continuing to seek his face and seek his will.
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Post by Nikkol on May 27, 2009 14:41:05 GMT -5
what about just being friends and not going into the "dating" phase unless G-d says that that's the one? And not a one sided thing but that both know that G-d has said "yes"?
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Post by kitty on May 28, 2009 10:15:24 GMT -5
Hey Nikkol,
I think the advice that you posted is fair... It's not a bad idea... But the problem that I have run across is that most of the Christian men that I know, will declare that God gives them a green light if they want to date, marry or get at you...
In my past 2 relationship before this one... Both men had declared to have heard from God... In fact the last guy...the one got married last summer... Well in the beginning of our relationship he even suggested we do a joint time of 40 days of prayer and fasting to see what God was saying... Of course he came back and said God gave him the green light...
But the bottom line is that most Christian men seem to believe that all is ok for them to pursue a woman as along as they have the correct intentions. The truth is that bibically this is indeed sound thinking...
Just as there are cases in the bible where we see God tell someone specifically or see God's hand... Him bringing Eve to Adam, Isaac and Rebekah, Hosea and Gomer. There are also cases where the only advice God gives is whether or not people of one tribe can intermarry among another.
Thus I think another hard pill for people to swallow is that although God may tell some people specifically... He may not tell all...
But I think it is important for us not to get in the line of thinking that unless a person has heard from God supernaturally...that they are out of God's will. Especially if they are following God's plan other wise... such as not having sex before marriage, not being unequally yoked, treating the person with respect, dating/courtship with the objective purpose to see if life styles and life goals line up....
Thus Nikkol... I'm already courting this man... we have been dating since last Oct. He's met my family and I have met his... We will simply have to go through this process. I have to guard my heart, he has to guard his... It's not an easy process.
But on another note... there is another reason that I wouldn't seek God in that manner for this relationhip... Not simply because I found I personally wasn't successful at it in the past. But also because of the spirituality and prayer habits of this individual.
He is a very responsible, logical man... He prays to God work things out, to keep his life and thinking in line with the word. He truly tries to take the bible and apply it in a logical and practical manner... He looks to see how God works things out with his circumstances... He prays to God to bless him with a wife and to be a good husband... he would think it was hocus pocus to ask specifically who... He doesn't operate in that manner.
Honestly... I would have to say that most Christian men don't... They believe that the choice of a wife is theirs... Heck... even in the latest book on Christian relationships that I am reading... Myles Mounroe declares the idea that God has one perfect person for us a myth...
Now I don't believe that... But I think hs words reflect on how a lot of Christian men think...
Kitty
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Post by Nikkol on May 28, 2009 10:38:42 GMT -5
I do think that all throughout history, the parents had a LOT to do with any marriage. One thing you said stood out. I'm not sure if it may be cuz I haven't been paying attention to what you stated before... but maybe you could elaborate: Thus Nikkol... I'm already courting this man... we have been dating since last Oct. He's met my family and I have met his... We will simply have to go through this process. I have to guard my heart, he has to guard his... It's not an easy process. The process of "courting"? Also, you made mention that G-d gave them the green light but did He give you the green light as well? |
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Post by kitty on May 31, 2009 23:16:27 GMT -5
Hey Nikkol,
What are you asking about in reference to the process? I'm talking about the process of courting... and specifically taking the time to get to know a person to see if you can have a successful marriage together, to see if you are what each other needs not just desires in a mate...
I'm stating that the process is not easy because i have to do it objectively on many levels as well as guard my heart...
So as I was saying in the original post... this isn't easy....
Kitty
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Post by kitty on May 31, 2009 23:23:50 GMT -5
Oh Yeah...
About the guys who said that they had the green light from God to court me or that I was the one God chose to be a wife... Yes I did pray too... I also believed that I had gotten a green light from God.
So either I wasn't hearing from God... had a deceitful heart, not able to hear God clearly... Or God gave choices and they didn't pan out... I don't think God does that so... apparently I wasn't hearing from God...
Seeking God in this manner is not easy either... One can make mistakes, hear incorrectly or not heard at all....
Kitty
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Post by Nikkol on Jun 1, 2009 1:45:47 GMT -5
Hey Nikkol, What are you asking about in reference to the process? I'm talking about the process of courting... and specifically taking the time to get to know a person to see if you can have a successful marriage together, to see if you are what each other needs not just desires in a mate... I'm stating that the process is not easy because i have to do it objectively on many levels as well as guard my heart... So as I was saying in the original post... this isn't easy.... Kitty Oh... ;D OK.. I think that our definition of courting is different. In my mind, courting is moreso the indicator that a marriage WILL take place and preparing for that between the two of you versus still seeing if you can have a successful marriage together and therefore it being possible that you won't get married....... so using your definition, I can understand how it wouldn't be easy. (thanks for the clarification)  |
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Post by Poetricia (G.A.P.) on Jun 1, 2009 6:39:26 GMT -5
yes, nikkol is right, with courting it is already understood that you are getting married, so kitty it sounds like you have hopeful intentions that this relationship will end in marriage, but from what you're saying it's seems that what you are doing is dating not courting....
of course, it is possible that a relationship can move from dating to courting, i have a person dear to me that this has happened recently happened to.
met in nov, dated from nov to may, early to mid may began talking about marriage, both spoke to spiritual leaders, now discussing what month announce engagement, what month will we get married, where will we live, so NOW they are in the courting stage. month has been chosen and agreed on for engagement and possible options for month of marriage are being discussed, key family members have been alerted, where will we live is being discussed, etc.... so from now til the engagement is announced they are in the courting stage, dating is now behind them....
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Post by kitty on Jun 1, 2009 8:15:32 GMT -5
Hey Guys,
I was taught that once people have already decided that they are getting married that they are engaged, regardless of if they have announced it to their church or family members.
Gap and Nikkol.... I'm not sure I get what definitons and stages you all are applying to courship verse engagement? In other words... what would be the difference between the 2 according to your church teaching?
I got my definiton of courthship from several Christian books on the matter as well as the church that I am currently member of and the one back in Chicago...
Kitty
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Post by giantsdodie on Jun 1, 2009 9:22:08 GMT -5
In todays society we tend to call courting, dating but they are two different things...
In my case which I understand is not the norm today.. We were engaged first. We courted for two years. We got married.
Usually today I see... we date.. we call it courting.. we MIGHT discuss marriage.. and unfortunaly a lot of times it does not end up in marriage because the man is often dating/courting someone else as well..
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Post by Poetricia (G.A.P.) on Jun 1, 2009 10:28:05 GMT -5
Hey Guys, I was taught that once people have already decided that they are getting married that they are engaged, regardless of if they have announced it to their church or family members. Kitty I have heard many things, but I've never heard this one before. A couple is not engaged until they SAY "we are engaged". A ring is not necessary, but some people think it is. Usually today I see... we date.. we call it courting.. we MIGHT discuss marriage.. and unfortunaly a lot of times it does not end up in marriage because the man is often dating/courting someone else as well.. I agree with this and unfortunately I think this is what happens more times than not. Also I think just simply "discussing" marriage is not courtship or an engagement. Many couples "discuss" marriage. I know that the last (and only) guy I dated since being reclaimed and I "discussed" marriage ALOT but we were not engaged, nor were we courting, we were dating. |
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