Date Rape...how shall this be handled ?!!

[stillfocused]

In light of all that we and say as believers a very serious matter has gotten my attention. Often times we tell nurture and instruct our teens not have premartial sex; yet, it's rare that we discuss the subject of date rape and it's consequences. Some times children are conceived during this very ugly act of innocence being stripped away; yet, it's always the young lady that catches the heat because she really can't tell anyone that has been raped. My question to all is how would you deal with this and why isn't this very serious matter discussed within the four walls without it becoming a topic for a women's, men's, or teen's group ?

[nina2]

My question to all is how would you deal with this and why isn't this very serious matter discussed within the four walls without it becoming a topic for a women's, men's, or teen's group ?

- how would you deal with this

First of all, rape is an extremely violent act, it's a criminal act, regardless of when, how, where and to whom it happens. But, at least imho, when it comes to date rape, it seems to many not to be "as bad" as the other case that we see in the news. And that's already adding insult to injury enough...

I believe that very few rapes are actually reported, and especially date rapes.

There are many reasons to that, obviously.
The main one, I think, is the process that the victim has to submit to, right after being raped, which adds to the trauma in more than one way.
When it comes to date rape, because whether people in general want to admit it or not it is less credible, the victim is victimised again in the process by being the prime target of the investigation.
Date rape is very difficult to prove because of that, because in most of the cases it becomes his word against hers....
As a result of all that, there are many women, of all ages and backgrounds, walking around with that pain inside of them, and very often no way out, and that opens the door to more tragic consequences, often for a lifetime.

Nobody wants to think about something like that happening to anybody close to us, especially our children.
In the case of date rape, how would a parent know unless the child came to them and chose to talk about it openly? Even if parents have a great relationship with their child (because they are always our child, regardless of their age...), I think that it would not be obvious for a daughter to talk about it right away....
There are so many issues involved in date rape, the fact that it happens with somebody that she knows, that even the parents might know, the fact that, usually, the girl/woman is blamed first, openly or not, the thought that her parents might not trust her entirely to tell the truth when she chooses to talk about it, etc....

If the chooses to talk about it and confide in her parents, obviously there will be a lot of pain, on both sides, and probably, consciously or not, a sense of failure. Because we want to "be there" for our children, and this was one instance when we could not.

I believe that regardless of how we feel, of the questions that we may have, the most important thing to do is make and keep the child the number one priority. It is critical for her to know that she is "still" the one you love, and that no matter what, for better and for worst, you'll be there from that point on to see her through it.
Otherwise, there will be a loss of identity and a breach in the relationship that will be extremely hard to overcome. But, that can only happen if she chooses to talk about it.
There is no magic formula, time does not heal anything, only God does....

- why isn't this very serious matter discussed within the four walls without it becoming a topic for a women's, men's, or teen's group ?

Again, imho, it's because the group setting depersonalises the issue. It is the group that is addressed, you don't have to look at one individual person in the eyes and give that person your undivided attention.
The group setting gives the feeling of talking about an issue in general, questions can be asked at the third person instead of "I".
Eventually, everyone goes home and still has to deal with it, it does not stop when the meeting is over....

Often, it is a lot easier to talk about very personal issues in front of or to strangers than it is to talk to family members or close friends, the group provides a solution to that also.

Groups are very helpful, because we are not prepared to face such circumstances, and having the possibility to talk to an "expert", about what to expect down the line, maybe some signs to look for indicating how the victim is going through the process afterwards, etc, is a good thing. Parents can be at a loss also in such situations, dealing with their own pain, anger, etc, and the group can help channel and understand all that better and overcome it.

Ultimately, the fact is that if it has happened, it is too late to ask how, when, the bottom line is the here and now, there is a shattered life needing restoration. In fact, not just one life, but the family also. Even if the person who was raped shuts down and refuses to take any step, the people around need to know and understand and still make themselves available and she needs to know, even if she refuses it, that love and help are there, and that's 24/7.

The greatest weapon, in this and any situation, is prayer, enduring and powerful prayer.

Rape wounds the soul, and only the Holy Spirit can reach those places, and restore completely.

[stillfocused]

Sadly, Nina2 you make some very good points. And for those very reasons..we sit beside woman week after week who just can't seem to get it right. Anger, over spiritual, and so many we think is attitude comes to the surface and no one knows how to deal with the surface sins when there is much deeper concern.