Post by And Such Were Some Of You on Dec 14, 2005 13:38:33 GMT -5
Jesus & Relationships: Singles
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Should Separated Christians Date?
AT ISSUE
I have been seeing a wonderful Christian man who is everything I have prayed to God for. I am separated and my divorce will be final in a few weeks.
We have both made a commitment to purity and I even bought little crosses for us to wear to remind us of this commitment.
The problem is that we are so connected mentally, emotionally and spiritually that the purity effort on the physical side is getting a bit tougher to uphold for both of us. We both know we are in love. We spend a great deal of time in the gym working out and we are both fitness minded people and I think that helps to give us a physical release from the pressure of this.
Please give me advice on how we can handle and how we can remain strong and committed to our effort to remain physically pure with each other. I would love specific scriptures or other reading material.
OUR INSIGHT
This is an important issue, one faced by many people these days. It is also a difficult question to answer because people will not like the biblical answer. People feel they have a “right” to happiness and do not understand that the happiness they are currently experiencing is transitory, and that are actually violating spiritual principles that only lead to grief. You are experiencing one small part of that right now in your unrequited physical desire.
I do want to commend you for a desire to be pure, the symbol you both wear to that commitment, and the activities you engage in to channel your energies in other directions. You are making a effort on a certain level, and that is to be commended.
However, there is a deeper level here, and I’m afraid you will find biblical insight different than what you expected. I'm going to side-step your actual question somewhat in order to deal with the deeper issue.
The Heart Of The Matter
Rather than talk around the matter, let’s get to the heart of it. You are a married woman. I struggled whether to put this question in the singles relationships section or the family relationships section here at JesusJournal.com. You may only have a few weeks to go before the divorce is final, but the fact remains that you are a married person. Apparently you have been involved, as a married woman, for
some time with your new man. This means that you both have short-circuited the plan God has for men and women.
When divorce comes, Christians are free to search for new partners, because the Lord wants us to live peaceable lives (1 Corinthians 7:15). But until that time we are to honor the Lord by staying committed to our spouse to the very end. For Christians marriage is of tremendous importance and we only devalue it when we act precipitously while still in its bounds. Hebrews 13:4 says, “Marriage should be honored by all” and we demonstrate how much we honor it by our actions.
People have a million reasons for thinking their case is a special circumstance, thus allowing them to break their marriage vows by forming an emotional bond with someone of the opposite sex. The other spouse was abusive, involved with someone else, abandoned the relationship, wouldn’t share in financial support… and on and on it goes. But in the eyes of God, all this looks pretty much the same. Marital strife that leads to divorce is about one thing, and that’s rebellion. Rebellion again self, against spouse or against God himself.
In divorce we deal with the consequences of that rebellion. As I have said many time before, divorced Christians are not second-class Christians and they should never allow themselves to be compromised by those who think otherwise. But while people are married, they need to do everything possible to maintain their relationship. This includes being emotionally free to consider the miracle of reconciliation.
Right Action For Christians
How should Christians approach this entire problem so they can avoid dilemmas like you find yourself in? Here are three steps that will help.
1. Value the marriage ideal so highly that you’re willing to go the extra mile (or 500) to seek reconciliation. Of course you feel like you are being demeaned and used, and that’s part of the reason why people are parties to divorce. But realize that you are married and you should continue to act married until the corpulent female vocalizes.
There is an old joke about the man who continually begs God to allow him to win the lottery. God says, “Okay, but give me a break and at least buy a ticket one time.” We are not advocating gambling here of course, but simply illustrating that God allows us to set conditions for the miracles he works in our lives, and the miracle of reconciliation cannot occur if you are emotionally involved with another person.
You may say that reconciliation in not on your agenda or that of your spouse. That view would tend to reinforce what I was saying previously about rebellion. However, a high view of marriage by Christians causes us to do everything possible to save the marriage until it is actually over.
2. Don’t fall into the “separation” trap. I’m forever amazed about how people interpret this matter of marital separation. These days it seems to mean that while people are living apart that all the rules of marriage are suspended. When a spouse leaves they think they are free to go out on the prowl. They think it’s okay to form other emotional bonds, experiment sexually or otherwise break the vows they made. Often such actions come from spite against an offending spouse, sometimes it is seen a holiday from fidelity and responsibility. Such views are not biblical.
In 1 Corinthians 7:11 Paul says, “Even if a spouse does depart, let him or her remain unmarried or be reconciled to his or her husband or wife.” This does not preclude the idea that divorce may eventually come, yet while people are married, they are married. So the period of separation is not a time to party. It is a time to pray, to be reflective about the causes of the separation, and to do everything humanly possible to bring about reconciliation.
Our Catholic friends believe in heaven, hell and an intermediary state they call purgatory. If a good marriage is a heavenly ideal, and divorce is hell (as even the best of them often are), then surely separation is purgatory. But purgatory is misunderstood; it is not a place of torment or even is it a type of limbo. It is a place for purification. It offers a time for reflection and making things right with God before entering heaven. For Christians the state between marriage and divorce should never be used for the purposes of forming new relationships. That will only detract from the season of reflection and purification.
3. Take time for mourning and healing. When is a marriage over? Actually there are 7 phases in the divorce process, but if we are going to be biblical about it, a marriage ends when the State grants a final decree.
Many may disagree with this, some believing a marriage is never over (all subsequent marriages are adulterous, they say), others believing it is over once some nebulous emotional bound bond has been broken, or when a spouse departs. However, if we are to put any weight behind biblical teaching we must agree that a divorce has actually occurred only when the State has processed the papers. Romans 13::1 says, “Let every soul be subject to the governing authorities. For there is no authority except from God, and the authorities that exist are appointed by God.” It is the State who grants divorces. As Christians we can only hope that all possible spiritual routes for reconciliation have been explored by the time this occurs, but the final decree issued by the State is the “certificate of divorce” that God allowed Moses to enact (Deuteronomy 24). In this temporal world it marks the end of the marriage contract.
While Christians can divorce -- and in some cases, like abusive situations, should divorce -- it is never an event that should be celebrated. Rather it should be mourned for the lost hopes, broken vows, misplaced trust and pain it brings to those involved. I am not suggesting that divorced people wear sackcloth and ashes, but I am suggesting that divorced people invest 6 months after their divorce is final to sober reflection on their lives. It is a time to stop blaming and to heal emotionally and spiritually. It is a time to take the focus off self and put it on the Lord and Christian service to others. It is a time to create new goals. I cannot supply a verse for this, but such seasons in life are normally taken for granted as being a part of the fabric of human life. The book, “On Death And Dying” by Elisabeth Kubler Ross is still an excellent resource for understanding this dynamic. Keep in mind that divorce is second only to death in the loss and grief department, so this book is right on target.
Six months may not be enough time for this renewal process to take root in your heart, so that time frame should be considered minimal. If people think they can have any measure of healing in less than 6 months, they are probably fooling themselves.
After the divorce is final, and after the time of mourning and healing is complete, then – and only then – is it time to start seeking a new partner. Being involved with someone prior to divorce trivializes the whole meaning of marriage and does not bode well for a new marriage. Entering a new marriage without going through a time of healing and renewal is an act of self-sabotage against the future.
Specific Guidance
These may seem like difficult words and they did not come easy. And they may seem especially harsh to those involved in the first blush of new love. It seems those who have “the fever” feel they can do no wrong. But “the fever” tends to blind people so they don’t understand the unseen forces tugging at their souls. There are exceptions, of course, but those who think they are exceptional tend to be those most likely to fall into the same pit they have just escaped.
In 1 Corinthians 14:40, the Apostle Paul says, “Let all things be done decently and in order.” We like to apply that teaching to orderliness in church worship, but if it were limited to that Paul would not have used the phrase “all things.” The New Testament Greek word translated “decently” means decorously, honorably, honestly. The word translated “order” means regular arrangement in time, a fixed succession in time, rank or character. These words speak clearly to the type of situation in which you find yourself, and you must restore a proper order to things. Currently, the cart is before the horse.
What insight can I offer? It would be a good thing if you immediately put your relationship with this new person on hold. Agree to not have any contact with the person for 6 months. During that time, allow yourself to experience withdrawal from your previous marriage. Examine why it happened and what you can do to keep it from happening again. Get beyond the blaming, anger and pain. Especially examine why you needed a new relationship before your old one was ended in an orderly way. Frankly, jumping into a new relationship while you were still married may indicate a certain neediness on your part, and you should explore that question with some intensity, perhaps with the help of a professional counselor.
After you have spent that 6 months getting comfortable with yourself as an independent person whose focus has been on serving the Lord, then you should consider yourself free to find a new spouse. You may wish to rekindle the flame with your current friend and so you should date, with the same sexual purity you are now experiencing, for another 6 months before getting married. If "the fever" you feel for your present friend is still there, nothing is lost and you both come to the marriage as stronger people.
However, after 6 months you may be surprised to discover that you have moved on emotionally and spiritually, and that another person might be more suitable for the "new you." You can then rejoice in the knowledge that God has better plans for your life.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Should Separated Christians Date?
AT ISSUE
I have been seeing a wonderful Christian man who is everything I have prayed to God for. I am separated and my divorce will be final in a few weeks.
We have both made a commitment to purity and I even bought little crosses for us to wear to remind us of this commitment.
The problem is that we are so connected mentally, emotionally and spiritually that the purity effort on the physical side is getting a bit tougher to uphold for both of us. We both know we are in love. We spend a great deal of time in the gym working out and we are both fitness minded people and I think that helps to give us a physical release from the pressure of this.
Please give me advice on how we can handle and how we can remain strong and committed to our effort to remain physically pure with each other. I would love specific scriptures or other reading material.
OUR INSIGHT
This is an important issue, one faced by many people these days. It is also a difficult question to answer because people will not like the biblical answer. People feel they have a “right” to happiness and do not understand that the happiness they are currently experiencing is transitory, and that are actually violating spiritual principles that only lead to grief. You are experiencing one small part of that right now in your unrequited physical desire.
I do want to commend you for a desire to be pure, the symbol you both wear to that commitment, and the activities you engage in to channel your energies in other directions. You are making a effort on a certain level, and that is to be commended.
However, there is a deeper level here, and I’m afraid you will find biblical insight different than what you expected. I'm going to side-step your actual question somewhat in order to deal with the deeper issue.
The Heart Of The Matter
Rather than talk around the matter, let’s get to the heart of it. You are a married woman. I struggled whether to put this question in the singles relationships section or the family relationships section here at JesusJournal.com. You may only have a few weeks to go before the divorce is final, but the fact remains that you are a married person. Apparently you have been involved, as a married woman, for
some time with your new man. This means that you both have short-circuited the plan God has for men and women.
When divorce comes, Christians are free to search for new partners, because the Lord wants us to live peaceable lives (1 Corinthians 7:15). But until that time we are to honor the Lord by staying committed to our spouse to the very end. For Christians marriage is of tremendous importance and we only devalue it when we act precipitously while still in its bounds. Hebrews 13:4 says, “Marriage should be honored by all” and we demonstrate how much we honor it by our actions.
People have a million reasons for thinking their case is a special circumstance, thus allowing them to break their marriage vows by forming an emotional bond with someone of the opposite sex. The other spouse was abusive, involved with someone else, abandoned the relationship, wouldn’t share in financial support… and on and on it goes. But in the eyes of God, all this looks pretty much the same. Marital strife that leads to divorce is about one thing, and that’s rebellion. Rebellion again self, against spouse or against God himself.
In divorce we deal with the consequences of that rebellion. As I have said many time before, divorced Christians are not second-class Christians and they should never allow themselves to be compromised by those who think otherwise. But while people are married, they need to do everything possible to maintain their relationship. This includes being emotionally free to consider the miracle of reconciliation.
Right Action For Christians
How should Christians approach this entire problem so they can avoid dilemmas like you find yourself in? Here are three steps that will help.
1. Value the marriage ideal so highly that you’re willing to go the extra mile (or 500) to seek reconciliation. Of course you feel like you are being demeaned and used, and that’s part of the reason why people are parties to divorce. But realize that you are married and you should continue to act married until the corpulent female vocalizes.
There is an old joke about the man who continually begs God to allow him to win the lottery. God says, “Okay, but give me a break and at least buy a ticket one time.” We are not advocating gambling here of course, but simply illustrating that God allows us to set conditions for the miracles he works in our lives, and the miracle of reconciliation cannot occur if you are emotionally involved with another person.
You may say that reconciliation in not on your agenda or that of your spouse. That view would tend to reinforce what I was saying previously about rebellion. However, a high view of marriage by Christians causes us to do everything possible to save the marriage until it is actually over.
2. Don’t fall into the “separation” trap. I’m forever amazed about how people interpret this matter of marital separation. These days it seems to mean that while people are living apart that all the rules of marriage are suspended. When a spouse leaves they think they are free to go out on the prowl. They think it’s okay to form other emotional bonds, experiment sexually or otherwise break the vows they made. Often such actions come from spite against an offending spouse, sometimes it is seen a holiday from fidelity and responsibility. Such views are not biblical.
In 1 Corinthians 7:11 Paul says, “Even if a spouse does depart, let him or her remain unmarried or be reconciled to his or her husband or wife.” This does not preclude the idea that divorce may eventually come, yet while people are married, they are married. So the period of separation is not a time to party. It is a time to pray, to be reflective about the causes of the separation, and to do everything humanly possible to bring about reconciliation.
Our Catholic friends believe in heaven, hell and an intermediary state they call purgatory. If a good marriage is a heavenly ideal, and divorce is hell (as even the best of them often are), then surely separation is purgatory. But purgatory is misunderstood; it is not a place of torment or even is it a type of limbo. It is a place for purification. It offers a time for reflection and making things right with God before entering heaven. For Christians the state between marriage and divorce should never be used for the purposes of forming new relationships. That will only detract from the season of reflection and purification.
3. Take time for mourning and healing. When is a marriage over? Actually there are 7 phases in the divorce process, but if we are going to be biblical about it, a marriage ends when the State grants a final decree.
Many may disagree with this, some believing a marriage is never over (all subsequent marriages are adulterous, they say), others believing it is over once some nebulous emotional bound bond has been broken, or when a spouse departs. However, if we are to put any weight behind biblical teaching we must agree that a divorce has actually occurred only when the State has processed the papers. Romans 13::1 says, “Let every soul be subject to the governing authorities. For there is no authority except from God, and the authorities that exist are appointed by God.” It is the State who grants divorces. As Christians we can only hope that all possible spiritual routes for reconciliation have been explored by the time this occurs, but the final decree issued by the State is the “certificate of divorce” that God allowed Moses to enact (Deuteronomy 24). In this temporal world it marks the end of the marriage contract.
While Christians can divorce -- and in some cases, like abusive situations, should divorce -- it is never an event that should be celebrated. Rather it should be mourned for the lost hopes, broken vows, misplaced trust and pain it brings to those involved. I am not suggesting that divorced people wear sackcloth and ashes, but I am suggesting that divorced people invest 6 months after their divorce is final to sober reflection on their lives. It is a time to stop blaming and to heal emotionally and spiritually. It is a time to take the focus off self and put it on the Lord and Christian service to others. It is a time to create new goals. I cannot supply a verse for this, but such seasons in life are normally taken for granted as being a part of the fabric of human life. The book, “On Death And Dying” by Elisabeth Kubler Ross is still an excellent resource for understanding this dynamic. Keep in mind that divorce is second only to death in the loss and grief department, so this book is right on target.
Six months may not be enough time for this renewal process to take root in your heart, so that time frame should be considered minimal. If people think they can have any measure of healing in less than 6 months, they are probably fooling themselves.
After the divorce is final, and after the time of mourning and healing is complete, then – and only then – is it time to start seeking a new partner. Being involved with someone prior to divorce trivializes the whole meaning of marriage and does not bode well for a new marriage. Entering a new marriage without going through a time of healing and renewal is an act of self-sabotage against the future.
Specific Guidance
These may seem like difficult words and they did not come easy. And they may seem especially harsh to those involved in the first blush of new love. It seems those who have “the fever” feel they can do no wrong. But “the fever” tends to blind people so they don’t understand the unseen forces tugging at their souls. There are exceptions, of course, but those who think they are exceptional tend to be those most likely to fall into the same pit they have just escaped.
In 1 Corinthians 14:40, the Apostle Paul says, “Let all things be done decently and in order.” We like to apply that teaching to orderliness in church worship, but if it were limited to that Paul would not have used the phrase “all things.” The New Testament Greek word translated “decently” means decorously, honorably, honestly. The word translated “order” means regular arrangement in time, a fixed succession in time, rank or character. These words speak clearly to the type of situation in which you find yourself, and you must restore a proper order to things. Currently, the cart is before the horse.
What insight can I offer? It would be a good thing if you immediately put your relationship with this new person on hold. Agree to not have any contact with the person for 6 months. During that time, allow yourself to experience withdrawal from your previous marriage. Examine why it happened and what you can do to keep it from happening again. Get beyond the blaming, anger and pain. Especially examine why you needed a new relationship before your old one was ended in an orderly way. Frankly, jumping into a new relationship while you were still married may indicate a certain neediness on your part, and you should explore that question with some intensity, perhaps with the help of a professional counselor.
After you have spent that 6 months getting comfortable with yourself as an independent person whose focus has been on serving the Lord, then you should consider yourself free to find a new spouse. You may wish to rekindle the flame with your current friend and so you should date, with the same sexual purity you are now experiencing, for another 6 months before getting married. If "the fever" you feel for your present friend is still there, nothing is lost and you both come to the marriage as stronger people.
However, after 6 months you may be surprised to discover that you have moved on emotionally and spiritually, and that another person might be more suitable for the "new you." You can then rejoice in the knowledge that God has better plans for your life.
