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Post by livinganewlife on Sept 11, 2008 16:13:41 GMT -5
Do you know God's will and purpose for your life? Are you walking in the will God has purposed for you? Are you ready to accept God's will for your life? Is a spouse the will of God for your life? How does a spouse effect the will of God for your life? Has God told you anything regarding your marriage and the reasons why he wants you married? My other 2 cents....and I am not attacking or trying to offend anyone, but I have a friend who asked all of the "spiritual" questions above, got the right answers, got married and is miserable every single day because these are the only questions she asked. And will swear that God told her to marry this man because he gave all the right answers and according to her, he was truly living the life, not just lip service. The questions she didn't ask are the ones causing problems in their marriage. The point I am making is that we are more than spirit...we also have a body. We do not live in the spiritual realm 24/7. When Pastors do marriage counseling, they insist that couples explore the same kinds of questions that Kitty is posting here. I can see GAP's point in thinking it might be too early in the relationship to be asking some of these questions. And no, my friend didn't get counseling before marrying the guy. He gave all the right answers to the spiritual questions so they didn't feel counseling was necessary. Rachel, that is the very reason I started my post with this sentence: Kitty, I am not saying don't be alert, don't pay attention to what your physical ears and eyes see in regard to relationships....
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Post by kitty on Sept 11, 2008 16:17:43 GMT -5
Honestly Guys,
Before I say anything... I want to say this.... I receive everything that all of you write with love... I do not take it as an attack. I have been sharing with you guys for years and I consider you all to be my brothers and sister in Christ... If I didn't honor your opinions I wouldn't ask for them... So I don't turn a blind eye if it happens to be a case where we aren't in agreement.... With that said let me proceed.
I have been in prayer before God about marriage... I'm clear that it is God's will and plan for my life...
I do also believe that God can and does reveal to many seasoned saints and some not so seasoned who their mate will be whether it be through prophesy, through a dream or however God may speak to you...
But in my personal case... I am clearly able to hear when God is saying no... But appearently things get sticky when God is saying yes... FOR ME in MY CASE...
Over the years I have had more than one expereince where myself and another young man Christian seem to be hearing from God... One situation was actually confirmed through a man of God ( Pastor)who knew nothing about the situation...
In both of the cases... the men supposedly heard from God before I did... in both cases I earnestly prayed about it to God...
In both cases... those young men decided that God was giving them a "CHOICE" and that I was simply one of God's CHOICES and guess what? They both CHOSE to be married someone else... I'm not wasting years of my life on THAT kind of system anymore...
Yes I know about what all everyone is going to say...
You must not know God...
You must not pray and fast enough....
You must not be commited to God enough... You must not have enough faith... Trust me I acted on faith about these situations for years...
You must not hear God clearly..... Maybe not... But for what ever reason, everything that I happened to receive from God about every other area of my life seems to come to pass except for this one.... And trust me... a lot of these things were not based on my desires either... But a desire to be obedient.
So seriously... My thought are these... I'm not simply going by what I have "received" anymore. Why? Because if it is God's will He will bring it to pass or simply tell me no... But I wouldn't be waiting in "faith" and wasting years of my life on something that may not come to pass ever again...
Not that JUST ME....
As for these questions.... I'm taking this time to ask a young man some questions to see where he stands... God hasn't given me a NO... but a green light... and it up to me to see where it will go.
Kitty
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Post by kitty on Sept 11, 2008 16:24:34 GMT -5
Hey Rachel,
Yes... I agree... these questions should be asked regardless of whether or not some believes they ahve heard from God on the matter... If they have truly heard from God then it will simply confirm it...
If someone is lying then yes I believe God will give discernement. ( I have had an expereince where God revealed to me that someone was lying to me)... But either way... I'm not suggesting that one doesn't pray... I'm saying pray AND ask some questions...
Kitty
Kitty
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Post by kitty on Sept 11, 2008 16:26:16 GMT -5
Oh yeah....
Gap... I think you and or someone else mentioned not being comfortable revealing things so early....
The reason for speak about it early is that there is more of an ability to be objective... Less emotional... less sneaky...
Kitty
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Post by vin on Sept 11, 2008 22:25:08 GMT -5
Not only that, Kitty, but what I ain't finna do is spend 6 months dating somebody before I start asking certain questions. By then I'm all emotionally tangled and no matter what he says at that point I'll be finding a way to excuse it. Because I'm emotional.
It almost sounds like some of you guys are against talking and asking questions. That can't be the case, but it sure sounds a little like it.
It's true that people lie but they can lie even if you don't ask them anything. You can just be having conversation and a liar will lie. You have to communicate with people. You have to talk. If God really said something to you about your mate then talking and asking questions should never be a problem. But if you're dealing with a counterfeit a good way to find out is to get them to talking.
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Post by Poetricia (G.A.P.) on Sept 12, 2008 6:59:16 GMT -5
I don't know, it just seems like we're taking so much into our hands without really knowing the heart and mind of God. There's an old saying 'when in doubt, don't' that I try to adhere to when I keep it in the forefront of my mind, that is. We should never be in a rush to take things into our own hands - that's always a dangerous state of mind to be in, especially when it comes to relationships. Trust me, I learned that the hard way.
I do understand that asking some of these questions early on can weed out those who are not compatible with us, but that doesn't necessarily mean that person isn't God's choice. And people who 'pass' all our tests, answering the questions right in our book may be the furtherst thing from God's choice we could find. That's why the bottom line is what saith the Lord?
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Post by vin on Sept 12, 2008 7:42:39 GMT -5
I agree totally GAP, and I don't want to come across like I don't agree with the other things that are being said.
There's been enough discussion on this board that we should all pretty much know where the others stand even on this issue. I think we all know that none of us is into doing this without God. I also believe that most of us, myself included are going through major healing processes so we will feel differently from time to time. That's normal. God is working you through it.
I think ....and I don't just think I know cause I've seen it and done it....that after a while of being single you have to overcome a slight fear. As Christians we often don't face fears but we hide behide God and our beliefs. Not that that's a bad thing, we should do that. But not to avoid life. Not even to avoid disappointment or rejection. And not to avoid making any mistakes. Try as we might, we all will experience all of these no matter how hard we try not to. As a matter of fact the harder we try to avoid them the faster and more often we run headlong into them. We have to bravely face life, failure, rejection, understanding that even if we make a boo boo, God can come along and fix that thing up so good that it will look like He wanted us to make that boo boo.
I had to overcome and I feel that I am still overcoming some fears of "what if it turns out like the last time?" No way that's going to happen if I'm being healed. There's no way at this point in my life I could wind up with another one like my ex. Because I'm not the same woman I was before.
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Post by kitty on Sept 12, 2008 8:46:47 GMT -5
Hey Gap,
Are you saying that you feel that by taking the time ask serious questions that it is taking things out of God's hands? Or can you explain what exactly you feel is taking things out of God's hands?
Is it that people many feel that things have to be serious in order to ask these kinds of questions? I'm with Vin when she says she not going to wait for 6 months before asking some important questions. It is sooo true that by then people are emotional.
That's exactly why this guy and I decided to go there and ask these questions up front. We will be able to use the information wisely... And it works both ways... It's easier to tell someone something serious about yourself when you don't feel like it would be the end of the world if they decided that what you stated is a "deal breaker".
Also... As I am going through this "precursor" to courtship experience I find that it happens to be a very bonding and character building experience as well...
Kitty
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Post by kitty on Sept 12, 2008 8:59:34 GMT -5
One last observation... It's also something that I kind is really ironic...
I know one reason that many people wouldn't choose to have these kind of soul baring conversations is because they dont' feel that they have enough "trust" in the person that they are dealing with. They feel that "trust" and a certain comfort level should be there first...
On some level I would agree this is true... But oddly enough by talking about these things it is building trust between me an another individual. It shows me his character to tell me some really "tough" stuff...
Seriously guys... I don't want to give anyone that impression that were asking these questions and both of us are giving back the "pretty" "safe" " correct" answers.... That's not what's going down... But I will say I admire him just a little bit more when he reveals something that I know wasn't easy to tell or something that make some go running for the hills!
Kitty
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Post by livinganewlife on Sept 12, 2008 9:00:39 GMT -5
May I please say this without anyone jumping all over me ;D
First of all most people do not know how to date.....because if you are just in the "dating" stage that means you and this person are just having a good time because of the similarities you two may share.....
Therefore when "dating" someone you shouldn't become emotionally involved anyway.......
However, if you have met someone and you two both agree that there is a possibility that marriage is the outcome than you will want to ask these questions and ask the Lord's will also regrading this person....
The problem I have with "dating" is that "dating" is just about kicking it with no real end results....and a person who is just "dating" is free to date whomever he/she pleases without any commitment to anyone...therefore it would be useless to ask all these intrusive questions to a person you are just "dating"....
Well this is just my two cents which means................. ;D
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Post by kitty on Sept 12, 2008 9:09:13 GMT -5
Hey Living...
I agree that people don't know how to date...
But I would also say that dating is for teens and or those who know for sure that marriage is not a goal...
But just the same... I do think these questions should be asked before making a commitment.... before becoming engaged... and as I personally see it... either a part of or before a courtship...
Kitty
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Post by kitty on Sept 12, 2008 9:14:46 GMT -5
Hey Living...
What if asking these questions helped a person decide to go from dating to being more serious because asking them helped to reveal that the relationship should go on another course?
Kitty
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Post by Rachel2 on Sept 12, 2008 11:58:54 GMT -5
Hey guys,
I need clarity. From what I can tell it's the terminology that's causing the problem. When you meet someone that you are interested in and start spending time with them what else would you call it besides dating? You can't meet some today and say you are in a courtship tomorrow (at least I would hope not).
I think it's labeling the relationship that's casuing the problem. In all seriousness, what would you call it? Just friends hoping to start dating; two people just talking with the hope that it leads to a commitment and then marriage?
None of us on this board are teenagers and I am sure that we have all had experiences with romantic relationships in the past.
We've already established the fact that God doesn't just tell all of us this is your mate period. Some of us do have to spend time talking to people and getting to know them before we even get to the courtship or commitment stage.
BTW Vin, you make very valid point about us hiding behind "what does God say" because of our own fears of being hurt again or making a mistake. Even if God says yes, there is no guarantee that you won't get hurt. Some things are just a part of life.
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Post by livinganewlife on Sept 12, 2008 12:39:25 GMT -5
Hey guys, I need clarity. From what I can tell it's the terminology that's causing the problem. When you meet someone that you are interested in and start spending time with them what else would you call it besides dating? You can't meet some today and say you are in a courtship tomorrow (at least I would hope not). I think it's labeling the relationship that's causing the problem. In all seriousness, what would you call it? Just friends hoping to start dating; two people just talking with the hope that it leads to a commitment and then marriage? None of us on this board are teenagers and I am sure that we have all had experiences with romantic relationships in the past. We've already established the fact that God doesn't just tell all of us this is your mate period. Some of us do have to spend time talking to people and getting to know them before we even get to the courtship or commitment stage. BTW Vin, you make very valid point about us hiding behind "what does God say" because of our own fears of being hurt again or making a mistake. Even if God says yes, there is no guarantee that you won't get hurt. Some things are just a part of life. Rachel, I do somewhat agree with you and Vin...... This is the problem I personally have with "dating": For one who said that "dating" is part of the courtship or marriage process.... As a person who has experienced "dating around" and proper dating around...dating only leads to false hopes, emotional ties and ultimately broken hearts..... Yes brokenness is a part of life....but we (general) do not have to participate in activities such as dating that brings brokeness... I think many people strongly suggest that "what does God have to say about the matter" is because it is the truth... No matter how much work or crying, preparations or thought we put into the mate selection process as children of God who want to be in the will of God it is ultimately His decision... Now I am not saying don't date; you do what is best for you and what works for you....but I feel that dating plays with our (especially women) emotions and causes incidents that cause our faith to waiver..... Because after all the questions are asked then what? after going through this process what if God still says no? then what will you do.... after all you (general) know if brotherman answer all the questions correct in your (general) mind you are going to think that he is the one.....and BAM there goes the emotional roller coaster again.... Trust me I am not the one to believe that you should lay all out and speak in tongues for 12 days before the Lord gives you the go ahead to answer an invite to dinner........but maybe that's what it takes for some. Just to sum it up...... I really want singles to seek God for their mates and seek God for his wisdom and guidance when it comes to selecting a mate and "lean not to our own understanding"....one thing I have found out and that is that God surely has His Own Way..... |
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Post by livinganewlife on Sept 12, 2008 12:53:13 GMT -5
Hey Living... What if asking these questions helped a person decide to go from dating to being more serious because asking them helped to reveal that the relationship should go on another course? Kitty Kitty, That is a valid point however, the ultimate factor should be what does God say about this person and the reason why this person is in my life.... You maybe compatible in every area and agree upon all points but what if you take this "dating" to courtship only to find out later down the road (after a broken heart and emotional roller coaster ride) that this person was only meant to be your brother in Christ and that your assignment was only to help him select his wife... The above situation is true because it happened to me; I wasn't bitter about the relationship because we stopped it before it went to far......... The young man in question didn't have any positive "women" role models in his life and the Lord was getting ready to elevate him in ministry..............This young man needed some grooming and needed a supportive female by his side to assist him in his elevation.......that female was me (but of course when we first met everyone was telling me that he was the one and of course I bought into the hype)....but that wasn't what God wanted....... God wanted me as his sister/ friend because we were going to have to work in ministry together as they years went by and if we would have taken that relationship further than what God had purposed than the ultimate plan God had for our lives would have been tarnished......... Today this young man and I are great friends and we work together in our "national" church without any hard feelings toward each other........ I shared that just to say "we" (general) never know what God has in store for us and can only find out God's will and purpose for our lives through direct communication with Him and with Him only! |
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