Questions to ask before Marriage...

[kitty]

Ok Guys...

Let me ask you all a question.... Does anyone believe that because I am asking questions that it means that I am not seeking God? Do you believe that it means that I am putting this in the place of hearing from God?

Let me suggest this... For some people... If they believed they heard from God about a matter they wouldn't have bother to ask questions at all... I believe that someone already posted a testimony earlier to that fact. I think asking question should be present because for some people it may be a way for them to know that they are missing God. I think we have way more of the opposite going on... I see way too many women walking around ignoring their circumstances completely because they believe they have heard from God. More often than not they too appear to be wasting their lives away... I just don't care to join that crowd... And I KNOW YOU ALL KNOW THESE TYPES OF WOMEN!!! Maybe they too would be better off going a different way... maybe their problem is that they are expecting God to operate in their lives a particular way and they are missing their true blessings because of it???

Also in regards to my current situation... I did seek God first... What what changed is what I look to receive in return... and what I am willing to hang my hat on... I am asking God to operate a specific way in my life... Is there anything wrong with that compared to someone that expects God to tell them who the person is up front? Are not both situations a walk of faith?

Especially because of this... There is a RISK involved regardless of which way that you go... I'm just not willing to risk that kind of time in my life anymore... Maybe I simply don't have enough discernment to operate that way... As far as I know I have done all that I can to have it... I've prayed, I've read the bible... I study to show myself approved, I have fasted, I have received Godly counsel... I have been successful in seeking God on other areas of my life where things came to pass just as I received... And let me also state this... where as the counterfeit situation was a sitution where I and the guy in questions initated a lot of things... That wasn't the case for this past situation... I wasn't seeking God for a husband at that time... That situation just simply occured... I went with the flow because my ultimate prayer was that God choose for me... And you guys want to know something funny... When I got the dream of this guy before I met him... I didn't even want him! But that was before I met him... Maybe the joke was one me... Maybe that was God's way of saying, "see Kitty...he turned out to be a wonderful person and would have made a wonderful husband... so don't question my choice." Maybe the lesson is simply that... Maybe that is the same lesson that the guy in question may be learning now... After all... he credited the fact that the person that is his now wife to be a sure sign and a better choice for him because of astrology... She had the very same birthday and got the same college degree and was taller ( yes he had an issue with my height) . Before you ask... Yes he was mature Christian... saved for years... go figure...

And lastly... Just because I decided to go a different way this time... Why to people want to believe that God wouldn't be present in my current situation? Seriously? That's something that I really would like to know?

God knows that my goal in life is to please Him... He knows that my goal in life is to follow Him.

I ask this because God has been present in my current situation... I have received some directions... most are about my own behavior...

Originally when I finished with my last sitation I thought... Hey... if by chance the choice is up to me than I'm gonna choose as wisely as I can and I'm going to really see what's out there... I'm gonna go out there and have a good time ( clean of course) be friendly and meet a lot of differnt guys ( as friends)... Have a large pool of a selection to choose from...

Then something happned on one of my dates and God dropped in my spirit NOT to do that... It was something very simple that happened but God let me know that no matter what he said... this guy couldn't handle that kind of behavior... simply friends or not, being serious or not. ( after all guys... all we are doing at this point is meeting up to catch a movie as friends... not a boyfriend/girlfriend situation yet).

What happened might you ask? It was very simple... I showed up 15 mins late. Not 20 mins...not 30 mins... 15 mins. I'm ususally on time or either early... His response to this seem to be a deep sadness and fear. Not quite what I would have expected... But I know that wasn't about me. But about whatever it was that he had experienced in his past. So after that I did promise God that I wouldn't so anything that would cause harm to this person... I wouldn't mistreat him in any way. ( not that I mistreat anyone...) But that I would still be mindful that when I walk out the door that I am representing God and the last thing I want to do is to "mis-represent" God.

Later on guys... THROUGH ASKING QUESTIONS... I found out a lot that confirmed that I needed to treat this person with "kid gloves". One of those ways was to be truly open and honest up front. Not to mention this... due to his past experiences he revealed that he was learning a lot through our interaction and "dates" of what someone should and shouldn't do...

Bottom line... God hasn't given me a yes this is the one... Or a no... He gave me a correction on my possible behavior. But based on my past experiences... I'm fine with giving this a set time to work out or not... then I'm moving on.


Kitty

[kitty]

I do have some more to share but I need to go and take care of some things...


Kitty

[giantsdodie]

I would like to answer and address a few things...

Let me ask you all a question.... Does anyone believe that because I am asking questions that it means that I am not seeking God?

No I believe you are seeking GOD but I also believe you are seeking GOD with some reservations, and apprehension.

Do you believe that it means that I am putting this in the place of hearing from God?

No but I do believe in all honesty that your confidence in hearing from GOD has been shaken.

And I will tell you why I believe that.. Its from some of the statements you have made...

I think some of you fail to realized that because I was walking in faith and not by sight that these situations that I am talking about are situations that unfolded over the course of YEARS not months of my life!

I'm just not willing to do that again... About a job sure, about somthing else sure, about a mate... nope. I just don't think that it is wise...

Dp you realize how HUGE this statement is ? Do you realize the magnitude of what you just said

Is it possible that wanting to know before hand could also be a form of wanting to walk by sight and not by faith

NO and I will tell you why. Simply because the Bible COMMANDS us to seek HIM.. to SEEK His face amd to KNOW HIS WILL... Our life is about THY WILL be done... not my will be done.. We cannot know HIS WILL without seeking HIM..

Are we forgetting that we know in part.... God doesn't always tell us all...

I agree that GOD may not tell you every iota and every detail. However HE WILL reveal HIS WILL.. Now as far as the " We know in Part " Lets keep that in context. The context of that scripture is a Word of Wisdom. Knowledge. Prophecy or a message in tongues being spoken to a congregation. The speaker doesnt have the full knowledge of GOD.

However GOD has full knowledge is why we instruct saints on our church whenever you receive a Word from the Lord from someone GO BACK TO GOD to get the rest.. get HIS full council on the matter...

The statement "GOD wont always tell us all" to me is an issue and I will tell you why. God might not tell you all AT ONCE>. but HE WILL tell you. I believe that based on THIS !!!

It is the desire of the Lord to reveal HIS will to HIS people

God will reveal His will

Psalm 25:14
The secret of the LORD is with them that fear him; and he will show them his covenant.

Amos 3:7 AMP
Surely the Lord God will do nothing without revealing His secret to His servants the prophets.

Ephesians 1:9

Having made known unto us the mystery of his will, according to his good pleasure which he hath purposed in himself:

Daniel 2:22

22 He revealeth the deep and secret things: he knoweth what is in the darkness, and the light dwelleth with him

John 15:15 (King James Version)
15 Henceforth I call you not servants; for the servant knoweth not what his lord doeth: but I have called you friends; for all things that I have heard of my Father I have made known unto you.


1 Corinthians 2:9,10

9 But as it is written, Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him.

10 But God hath revealed them unto us by his Spirit: for the Spirit searcheth all things, yea, the deep things of God.

Luke 8:10

And he said, Unto you it is given to know the mysteries of the kingdom of God: but to others in parables; that seeing they might not see, and hearing they might not understand.

James 1:5

If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him.

And this is only a sample...

WE CAN know the Will of GOD for our lives...

The things GOD will reveal and YES it will be over time and YES God will unveil more and more as we continue to walk with HIM... and YES we are going to be challenged and YES we should talk with spouses and ask them questions but NOTHING should be more important or even have even close to the same weight as our conversation with GOD...

DO I think everyone will find their spouse the same way I did.. NO.. im not foolish enough to think that. I know GOD does the strange and unusual with me because HE SAID He would always do that with me.. Its part of the anointing GOD is preparing me to walk in.. YET with that there is a price... In fact GOD told me years ago people would see how HE moves and say to me.. I want GOD to move like that in my life.. and I would tell them.. You dont know the cost....

SO NO I dont expect everyone to walk things out the same way...

HOWEVER I do know this.. The PRINCIPLES work in EVERYONES life the SAME WAY...

The Principles of Faith are universal

The Principles of Revelation are universal

The Principles of Knowing HIS will are universal..

They will work for ANYONE who puts faith behind them and as the Word of GOD says..

DOES NOT DOUBT IN THEIR HEART...

So Do I believe GOD can tell you who you are going to marry.. YES...

DO I believe GOD will reveal HIS WILL about a spouse.. YES...

Do I believe GOD will reveal HIS WILL regarding marriage... YES...

Do I think it is more important to ask GOD questions than a spouse.. YES !!!!!

DO I think you should ask a spouse questions.. YES !!!

( in fact I would ask GOD what questions I should ask FIRST !!!!}

[livinganewlife]

GDD thanks for your post this morning (and I am not going to hi-jack this thread) however in regards telling us His Will and purpose it is so true that He does and will if only we would submit and obey the leading of the spirit....

This morning the Lord woke me up at 3:40 and as I was trying to get back to sleep the spirit said get up and go in your living room and give God the sacrifice of Praise.... Well I obeyed and went into the living room to pray and silently worshiped the Lord as I really didn't want to disturb the house.....

In my worship the Lord spoke to my heart and told me somethings regarding my situation.......in my flesh I had doubt as this issue is something dear to my heart and it is in an area where my faith has been tested and I really couldn't believe that God was speaking to me regarding this situation.....anywho............

As I was praying and asking God is this really His voice........ the Lord took me to some of the same scriptures you posted this morning especially 1 Corinthians 2nd chapter.....

Bro GDD posted some of 1 Corinthians 2 but I would like to add a few more of that chapter:

9But as it is written, Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him.

10But God hath revealed them unto us by his Spirit: for the Spirit searcheth all things, yea, the deep things of God.

11For what man knoweth the things of a man, save the spirit of man which is in him? even so the things of God knoweth no man, but the Spirit of God.

12Now we have received, not the spirit of the world, but the spirit which is of God; that we might know the things that are freely given to us of God.

So I wrote all that to say yes God does speak to us regarding His will for our lives.....and trust me Kitty, I have been there and really couldn't believe that God would explicitly talk to me regarding certain situations in my life....and today I can say yes He has spoken clearly even to little ole me!

[vin]

In TD Jakes' new book Before You Do, he says he has a chapter in it called 20 questions you should ask BEFORE you get engaged. Kitty seems to me that you have a witness. I plan to buy the book and I'm not even dating.

[kitty]

Hey Vin,

You know... I agree... because by the time people are clear in their mind that either they have heard from God... Or that they have decided to get married... The whole idea of asking questions to make a good decision goes out the window!

Is T.D. Jakes book out now? I may check it out... Oh yeah.. if you do would you mind sharing some of the questions?


Kitty

[vin]

Yes Ma'am! I picked it up today and I'm about to sit down with a cup of french vanilla cafe (made with milk so I can sleep good) and cuddle up with it now.

I felt led to by this book today. Like it is going to come in handy.

I will definitely share some or all of the questions if you'd like.


Kitty I also wanted to encourage you on this because I was thinking about you tonight when I came home from bible study. My pastor teaches a lot about vision and how you have to protect your vision and what you know God showed you.

You have this wonderful vision of this website for couples particularly in the Black community. So what's going to happen is God is going to be showing you things that coincide with the vision that HE has given to you. Whenever that happens you always wind up seeing things differently than the average person because everybody isn't carrying your baby. You are carrying it. So what you see won't be seen by the average person. Unless someone shares your vision at least through some experience they won't have a clue where you're really coming from. But the whole time you're building the dream that you see in your spirit. That dream was planted there by God. It was given to you for you to carry it out so be not dismayed when people don't understand or agree.

Getting feedback is good because it gives you and idea of what to expect on a larger scale. Take any advice that can be used toward building your dream. Let everything else roll off your back. You can't afford to let it distract you from what you know God has placed in your heart and from the vision He has given you to carry out. You have a specific purpose and those ideas that God plants into your spirit are for the nurturing of that spiritual baby you're carrying. Don't take anything into your spirit that would cause you to miscarry your baby or choke it to death even in the womb.

What you are about to birth is because of what you've been through along with the purpose of God for your life. You went through what you went through because of the purpose.

I'm not accusing anybody of trying to discourage Kitty. I'm just saying to Kitty, Beware of distractions. BE ENCOURAGED AND HOLD FAST.

[kitty]

Hey Vin,
Thanks so much for the encouragement! I feel encouraged by just about everyone on this board! I think doing the web site and sitting down and talking with so many couples had done a lot for me!

It just made me clear that God works in more than one way... I'm looking at couples that have been married happily for over 20 years and they were able to come together, decide to get married and go before God. I'm just not so quick to decide that because they don't have a "God said... " testimony that God didn't put them together.

I'm also clear that ther are too many women in the church that have been determined to have God work a certain way in their lives and it's not working... I'm just simply deciding not to continue to be a part of that crowd...

I'm not putting God in a box... I'm just clear more than ever before that He doesn't work the same way with everyone.



Kitty

[vin]

I'm also clear that ther are too many women in the church that have been determined to have God work a certain way in their lives and it's not working... I'm just simply deciding not to continue to be a part of that crowd...

Girl that's me! I realized a while back that the reason I was asking God to do certain things was because I was afraid. And even though I still want Him to do those things I'm no longer of the mindset that I'm supposed to hide somewhere and lock myself away. I don't want to be open to my fears, but to God and whatever and however He chooses to do things.

Last night I read the introduction of the book and part of the first chapter. And one thing I've already gotten from the book is that asking questions is a neccessity. And it is something that we do as part of our research. It is nothing more than gathering information so that we can be better informed about the decisions we make, not just about who to marry but about how to live with them.

I am convinced that we ought always pray and seek God's guidance in every area, (in all thy ways acknowledge Him) But I also am convinced that when we come out of the prayer closet we are supposed to come out and get about the business of DOING what He showed us in the closet. When you get up off your knees it's time to implement and apply what the Spirit showed you.

God is not going to do for us what He has already given us the ability, power and authority to do for ourselves. Yes, He will lead and guide but that's while you're doing.

I'm not going to let God bless me with a wonderful man and then spend all my time praying and not talking to him about what he likes, dislikes, desires from me, from marriage, from life, etc. You can't wait until you get married to ask these questions. If more people asked them up front there wouldn't be so many divorces in the church, and people wouldn't waste months and years skirting around issues only to be heartbroken in the end.

I will also say about the book that the principles he's sharing are not just to be applied to deciding about marriage but all areas. It's about decision making in general as well as decision making concerning marriage.

[vin]

You can also go to www.beforeyoudo.com and leave comments and whatnot. Bishop Jakes will even be interacting and/or answering questions.

[vin]

Hey Kitty,
Here are the 20 questions Jakes says you should ask before you get engaged.

1. What do you expect?

2. What are your most prized possessions?

3. Where do you stand on faith?

4. What was your last major relationship like? How did it end?

5. What are your ideas about sexuality?

6. Do you know your HIV/AIDS status?

7. What are the secrets that you keep? Will you trust me to keep
them too?

8. Have you ever been arrested and do you have a criminal
record?

9. Do you have children or other children outside of marriage?

10. How do you feel about having children?

11. How do you feel about disciplining children?

12. What are the roles of a husband and wife for you?

13. What role do you see your parents, siblings, and extended
family playing in our relationship?

14. How do you handle disagreements and disappointments?

15. What is your vision for this family? Where would you like us to be in ten or twenty years?

16. How satisfied are you with your present career?

17. What is your debt to income ratio?

18. Is there a need or desire for a prenuptial agreement?

19. Do you have a will or living will/trust and can we talk about it?

20. What annoys you most about me? What do you enjoy most
about being with me?


He doesn't just just list the questions of course. He discusses them for the whole chapter. He discusses the questions and then there's "when you weigh the answer".

[Poetricia (G.A.P.)]

just popping in to say, have the book, the questions in bishop's book do not "co-sign" the theme of this thread, his questions are for couples who are courting and on the brink of engagement, not newly dating.

(i just wanted to point out the books point of view. i think we all agree that yes, questions are revelant, we just differ on what questions at what stages in a relationship certain questions should be asked.)

[vin]

GAP I think that's it. We all differ on when certain questions should be asked. I don't think that the first "date" is the place to ask 20 questions necessarily. Unless that's what people want to do. If they are both up front about the face that they desire to be married then I say ask away, even on the first few dates.

See the "trick" to this dating thing I see is that often we say we are "just dating" or we are "not serious". But if you have a desire to be married, you're never "just dating", no matter what you say.

My desire is to be married, period. So I'm not just hanging out with anybody. Whenever someone comes into my life I'll be looking at him and talking to him in light of my desire to be married, and the things that God has said to me about my mate. So one of the things I'm gonna want to know up front is if he desires to be married, and at what point does he see himself being married. Many people though they desire marriage, might not want to be married for a number of years. I want to be married yesterday. So it would be important to me to know as soon as possible how this man feels about getting married. If he doesn't desire marriage, he's not looking for a wife. So he wouldn't necessarily be dating me because he thinks I'm wife material. He might just see me as somebody to hang with.

Men have no problem letting women know they are looking for a wife. They'll let you know on the first date. They almost announce it in church! But women tend to hide it or try to hide it so as not to look desperate. But I don't have time for those kinds of games. The backlash is too painful.

I think we all as individuals need to be completely honest about what we desire. Once we reach that honest place with ourselves and God we can move forward and honestly avoid a lot of emotional drama.

So I think these particular questions are very appropriate for someone like myself because I don't have six months to waste, getting attached to somebody only to get hurt. I'm not going to wait and get engaged before I find this stuff out. These questions and questions like them and the answers to them will let me know if I want to give the man the time of day. And since I know men have no problem with asking these sames kinds of questions if they want to be married, I should have the same freedom to ask whatever I want.

[kitty]

Amen Vin... Amen....


You took the words right out of my mouth!!!!

Gap... This situation that I happen to be in, the situation that I am describing is a courtship situation... This individual and I are looking to check each other out to see if we think one another is truly marriage material... If this happens to be the case then we can become more emotionally attached to another another, deveolp those bonds and become engaged...

But we see no point in becoming attached to each other first... then trying to lie to try to keep each other...

Gap... I think it may be possible that because you know me as a friend off the board and have more of a up close and personal view of what goes on my life that you have decided that this guy and I are "just newly dating".


We really aren't... And as time as gone by it has gotten a lot more serious.

Guys... I really have to tell you that this has been a very positive process for me. It is refreshing... This past weekend we were able to get to the point of discussing personal debt and credit cards... Trust me it wasn't easy... But the realization is that you want to know what your dealing with...

We discussed prenutial agreements... School loans, desires of buying a house, how to go about setting a budget and planning...

We were sitting around trying to paint rosy pictures for one another... it was a frank discussion.

Guys... I can't see going any other way...

I have more to share and post later...

Side bar: Gap is really a lot of fun to hang out with... and she is a great sister in Christ. I know she wishes me the best...

Kitty

[vin]

I wish you the best too Kitty.