Bad Marriages Take Health Toll on Women

[nina2]

Bad Marriages Take Health Toll on Women

Study Shows Marital Discord Hurts Women's Physical Health More Than Men's
By Bill Hendrick - Reviewed By Louise Chang, MD

March 4, 2009 -- Women in tense, strained marriages are more likely than men to suffer from mental problems like depression, but also dangerous physiological conditions, such as high blood pressure and obesity, a new study shows.

Full article:

[a href="www.medicinenet.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=98266"]www.medicinenet.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=98266[/a]

Anybody has experienced this or knows somebody who did/does?

[vin]

Mine sure was taking a toll on me! Depression. Wanting to disappear so no one could see me, and therefore couldn't hurt me.

[kitty]

Nina,
I think that's true more from the past than today... considering that 50% of marriages are ending in divorce.... Most aren't sticking through the thick and thin of anything good or bad...

I think was more true for people back in the 50's and back in the day when women didn't have much of a choice.... mininum wage with 3 kids or live in your car or get beat!

[vin]

With the high rate of heart disease in women and the heart attacks resulting mainly from prolonged periods of stress, I'm not so sure about that. Even the women who leave, like myself, by the time they leave they've been literally worn out to the point of almost having nervous breakdowns. Even after I left I had to go to counselling and was diagnosed with chronic depression, GAD and had panic attacks. I was prescribed two different antidepressants. So leaving doesn't automatically stop all the problems that arise from being in a jacked up marriage. Even after leaving they have to be dealt with.

For those who stay, even the 50 percent, if you checked the stress levels of those women you would find that a large number of them are highly stressed, carrying the whole household and the grown man in it.

Now that jobs are closing every day, women will once again bear the brunt of that stress, especially after being abandoned by their men. Or the many who though are married and the husband is at home, still feel like single parents because the husband leaves most of the parenting to them.

[Nikkol]

Are most of these marriages "bad" or is it that based on blurred gender lines in marriage, things get bad?

We know even in jobs, there are studies that indicate that certain jobs/roles/positions that women hold can also take a toll on women.....

[vin]

It's bad. A bad marriage is when the woman is doing all the work, all the parenting, ususally working outside the home and expected to do everything at home with no help from her husband. That is a bad marriage. Nobody has to get hit. Abuse comes in many forms and that abuse, neglect, constant inconsideration, being made to feel like their feelings don't matter, and on and on, is a bad marriage. Because to live like this on a daily basis is to live in a marriage in a way that God did not intend. The stress is ongoing, nonstop for women. They are trying to build a home often by themselves even though a man is there. They're carrying the weight of the whole family while many men use the excuse that they never had a father figure, or the men are still acting like children, not to mention if the marriage is bad because of cheating, or arguing or physical abuse.

A bad marriage can be anything from the man not standing in his role as head of the household all the way up to being physically violent. If you talk to women in the marriages, especally the ones who've left you'll get a broader picture of what a bad marriage is. There are many ways to abuse a person and women take a lot of abuse in marriages and then are often made to feel responsible for it.

[Nikkol]

It's bad. A bad marriage is when the woman is doing all the work, all the parenting, ususally working outside the home and expected to do everything at home with no help from her husband.

And so my first point was in reference to a blurring of the gender lines, was a woman suppose to be working outside the home? Are most marriages that are coined bad based on the way things are or the way things should be? (My post wasn't in reference to physical abuse for I am an advocate for separation for peace sake.)

Even when we look at the Muslim nations and the definite distinction between the genders. Some of the main issues was the fact that they couldn't do "x,y,or z".... but could it be that those weren't things that we should've ever been doing in the first place? Have we as a country just allowed things and gender roles to get so blurred that what we are seeing is the repurcussions? -- this is why I compared it to women in particular jobs.

[vin]

oh yeah. I think I get a little more of what you're saying. Yes a lot of the bad marriages is because people are not fulfulling the roles that God intended. So often it could be that two wonderful people would really be able to stay together if they just knew who they were. But back in our earlier years those roles weren't anywhere near as confused as they are noe, I don't even think even in the Black families.

Have Black men always been so quick to abandon their families are they are now?

[nina2]

And so my first point was in reference to a blurring of the gender lines, was a woman suppose to be working outside the home? Are most marriages that are coined bad based on the way things are or the way things should be? (My post wasn't in reference to physical abuse for I am an advocate for separation for peace sake.)

Even when we look at the Muslim nations and the definite distinction between the genders. Some of the main issues was the fact that they couldn't do "x,y,or z".... but could it be that those weren't things that we should've ever been doing in the first place? Have we as a country just allowed things and gender roles to get so blurred that what we are seeing is the repurcussions? -- this is why I compared it to women in particular jobs.

Do you think that it would be "wise" to limit this issue re impact of status of a marriage and women's health only to "Are most marriages that are coined bad based on the way things are or the way things should be? "

If that's to be the case, then we are going to have to reconsider everything from day one - Bible's day one - of man and woman's creation, and then also the entire Woman's right movement from day one, and then, probably, the entire Feminist movement from day one also.

It would be interesting - and lengthy! - but it would still not resolved the issue, nor would it change the "fact" that, at this time, a "bad marriage" situation has a very negative effect on the woman's health. Now, this does mean that, should a real research be made about the same topic on the man's side, that it wouldn't reach the same conclusion. And, as always, would also conclude that men deal with "it" in different ways than women...

I honestly doubt that it is reduced to a matter of should the woman work or not.... Then we would need another Woman's Rights Movement to be started, including for Christian women....

It is just side tracking the issue, in my opinion. And, Nikkol, I know you love to stir some things, but the Muslims? As examples of defining what's right or wrong for women to do or not?? I'm sorry, I don't think so....

The first commandment given to man in the Garden was to work... Then, God gave man a "helpmeet". Maybe, after all this time, we have yet to define "helpmeet"....

As somebody that we all love (and miss!) said a while back "I am not a feminist, but I am certainly a Womanist" and I wish she would come back and speak on this subject :-)

[nina2]

This a very interesting article, not just because of the topic, but because of when it was written and published: 1997!

Major Changes in Black Family Structure
By Richard Morin - Washington Post Staff Writer
Wednesday, March 25, 1997; Page A15

www.washingtonpost.com/wp-srv/national/longterm/gender/race25.htm

And this one, from 2006 (long but worth reading...):

The Narrowing Black-White Divorce Gap

www.profam.org/pub/nr/nr.2201.htm

We need to pay attention to what is happening, when it happens....

[Nikkol]

Don't have much time.....

But I wanted to say that I'm not a fan of the "feminist" movement and I think it did more harm than good. We were created to help the man. We were told to submit to our husbands. We were told to teach younger woman specific things:

• be sober
  
• love their husbands
  
• love their childen
  
• Be discreet
  
• Chaste
  
• Keepers at home
  
• Good
  
• Obedient to their own husbands
  

The "Muslim" part was specifically in reference to the fact that they are taught certain things they can and can't do as what a woman's role is.

The side issue of work was just relating that there are studies also done regarding health problems with women and work and if there could be a co-relation between the two.

Have Black men always been so quick to abandon their families are they are now?

VIN: No I don't think it's always been that way. I think that slavery broke a lot of black men down. They were forced to not be with their wives except maybe to create more kids and though much was tried to get the family back together, part of "Egypt", if you will, was still there. But now in the black family, with a lot of the women having to prove that they can hold their own since they have what some would call 2 strikes against them (beng a woman AND beng black) you are seeing more and more "Ahab's" and for some they are able to break free. Other men feel that they have to prove their "manship" and many feel that this is proven by having kids/being a pimp. On top of that having so many men in prison and a lack of many "father roles" and many women indicating on many occasions "I don't need a man" or "Your dad is no good" (I think that one impacts a child on two levels....the level of being a man as well being a father) has also hurt relationships. Granted, I can only talk in reference to what I see/hear in Philadelphia. Where many of the school districts get free lunch because over 80% of the ppl in the community are low income and many of the men are competing with "welfare" (which is a different issue altogether)
Keeping all this in mind, the man now has to combat on many avenues.....he still has the "The white man is keeping me down" mentality added to the "Being a man is having kids" added to the "I have to either have a better job than my girl or she won't respect me" (and I hear women saying how they make more money than their man and are PROUD of it rather than just being happy they have a job and not comparing it to their sposue). They are also a lot of times being taught how to be a man from a woman and though it is done and done well, I think that men should teach men (and women should teach women) especially on dealing with how they should act. (which also could tie into the scripture relating on women not usurping authority over men). It's so bad that even in church you have preachers calling for "money lines" and telling to give "X" amount and will tell the congregation that any man that isn't standing with "X" amount isn't a real man or isn't someone that you should be with. (Side Note: in this way, I do think that Steve harvey was able to put a lot of good info in his book regarding). And so we find that even in church a man is not always "safe" from the ridicule and male bashing. (which I do think is one reason why the ratio of men and women in chuch is so different)

And so like Nina said, it takes a toll on different ppl differently. My point was that if we knew what our role was and was taught it well (for a man AND a woman) would many of these health problems in marriage (and also in work) effect us? And I wouldn't be so quick to say "NO". This does NOT excuse the behavior but I hope just gives a different perspective.

[vin]

Nikkol,
Honestly when I think about it, even though all of what you said is true and is happening... I don't recall growing up with very many black homes broken because the man ran off. Those families were together a lot longer than they are now. Men stuck with their families a lot longer than they do now. Now they don't even stay long enough to do much more than get a woman pregnant.

Only in recent years have I heard about how the Black man was "trained" by "massa" to abandon his young because he was used as a baby making machine. Though I understand it, I think it's a poor excuse in this day and age to use as a reason for our men abandoning their young. It's a good excuse for those who don't know any better but there is really no excuse for a man not wanting to put in the work that comes with being the head of household. There's too much help out there.

It's about as silly to me as people saying that now that we have a Black president NOW we (Blacks) don't have any more excuses. DUH!!! We've NEVER had any excuses!!! We just used them to justify being trifiling and unwilling to put in the work.

So here women are again, caught in the middle of a bunch of mess, carrying the load and bearing the brunt because men are floating from one set of excuses to another. I don't buy it. It's a bunch of bull. Marriage takes WORK, relationships take WORK, parenting takes WORK. Too often women are willing to put in most of or all of the work while men float through life throwing out excuses, and it's just as prevelant in the church as it is outside the church. And who in the world passed the law that says the White Man is the one who decides of a Black man stays with or abandons his family?? People do what they want to do.

The church (traditional) has taken the word "submission" and made it like a curse. It doesn't mean I'm LESS THAN my man. I'm not less important, less valuable to God or less anointed. It just means that God has an order and that order calls for the woman to "place herself under the authority" of her husband. We're built differently emotionally and physically but we are not beneath men. God gave each a role but men don't fulfill their roles enough so women are left trying to do both, which they can't. Women say, "I got to be mama and daddy", but that's not true. A woman can't be daddy no matter what. She can only be Mama, with our without a daddy. Only a man can be daddy.

The scripture that says the he who finds a wife finds a good thing isn't talking about who's looking. Don't let the woman find the man let the man find the woman. That's not even the point. The point is that THE WOMAN IS A GOOD THING.
ANY man with a GOOD WOMAN will tell anybody he's got a good woman. What difference does it make who bumps into who? None. But you better believe that man is GLAD he's got that good thing.

One thing that has been confirmed to me very strongly from reading Steve's book, (which I'm not even half done) And that is, that men know exactly what they are doing. They know when they are doing wrong. They know it's wrong to abandon their children and families. But they are just as responsible as a father and husband as I am to do everything they can to make it work and make themselves better for their families and children. By the time life gets done with women we have no pride left. We spend it all for our babies. But men, they keep a healthy dose of pride with them at all times. Most of the time they won't even acknowledge that change is needed. So once again women are left to make up the slack.

I promise I'm not fussing, well not at anyone on here. I just have seen so much first hand and experienced so much, that I'm not buying the BS anymore, in or out of the church. Just like they tell women, "Put on your big girl panties and deal with it", the same goes for men, "Put on your big boy boxers and deal with it!"

[anointedteacher]

Muslim don't have wives... they have slaves, and if they don't perform well.... they get beaten... Submission really need to be define....

I look at our new president and see the love he have for his wife and kids... he set a good example.

[Nikkol]

Apr 2, 2009 14:16:52 GMT -5 anointedteacher said:

Muslim don't have wives... they have slaves, and if they don't perform well.... they get beaten... Submission really need to be define....

I look at our new president and see the love he have for his wife and kids... he set a good example.

AT: Your statement is based solely on your view. Do you think that if you talked to every Muslim women they would say that they are being treated as slaves? No. Rather, what you'll find is that those that feel that way were probably given that idea from an "outside person". But just like anywhere, there are always "bad examples"...we have posts and posts about bad examples even in Christianity.

[vin]

They are "trained" to believe that it's right to be treated that way. They are trained that they must submit or suffer the consequences. The same is true of the whole belief system. They believe that every one else will ultimately submit to them or be killed.

Of course they won't admit to that.